(GUEST) RULE 4: LET HER WIN

Think fast, douchefags! This is The Wanderer, coming at you with a special guest rule! Now, as a man with multiple months of marital experience, I’m about to give you some advice about women that will seem both highly counter-intuitive and (initially) totally un-manly. But, I promise it’ll all make sense when I’m done. So, hang on to your butts and get ready to dive in:

LET HER WIN.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Josh, I’m the manliest man who ever punched a bear in the face while jumping a motorcycle across the Grand Canyon blindfolded. I’ve got so much testosterone in me that there’s a bidding war to bottle my sweat as an ultra-energy drink. And, because of all that manly testosterone, I could never let someone else win at something. I once broke my three year-old nephew’s leg because it looked like he might beat me in a game of hopscotch. How could I ever be enough of a sissy to LET HER WIN?!”

Just calm down there, Hulk Schwarzenegger-Norris, because I’m gonna let you know exactly why you should let her win.

Women like to argue. A lot. Not to say that dudes can’t argue. A heated debate on a topic of importance (cars, superheroes, Star Trek vs. Star Wars, boobs vs. butts, etc.) is one of the manliest activities there is. But, it’s important to remember that arguing with a woman is nothing like debating with a man. When you argue with a woman, things like common sense, logic, and reality don’t matter in the least. The only thing that matters to a woman in an argument is that she’s right. Always.

And that is where we come to the heart of the issue: relationships are war. And, as some dead Chinese guy said, “All warfare is based on deception.” Every argument you have is a battle, and it is a battle you can win. But the way to win an argument with a woman is by not arguing.

Confused yet? Good. You should be.

We win arguments with women in the same way that you survive a bear attack: curl up into a ball, play dead, and wait for the bear to get tired of mauling you and leave. In the same way, you win arguments with women by agreeing with whatever insanity comes out of her mouth. Because then she’ll like you. And let you touch her.

And that, gentlemen, is a true victory.

Guest Rule brought to you by Josh of Wandering Above the Sea of Fog and Rules to Live Your Life By.

RULE 1 - Don't Be "The Listener!"

IMAGINE IF YOU WILL...

You're eating lunch with a group of diverse individuals, among which is your fun and pretty girl friend/friend-girl/girl-that-is-a-friend/I-frickin'-hate-the-term-girlfriend-but-I'll-address-that-in-a-later-post. She's telling you about how she hates her new haircut or how great her shopping spree was or how her mom has no idea what she's going through or something like that. You're doing your very best to listen and react when it feels appropriate. You may have even envisioned the pink shoes she described buying for 40% off, even though most of your mental attention is being used for chewing your food. Holy cow, you are an awesome friend.

Then conversation shifts to boys. One thing leads to another, and eventually, your Chick of Significant Interest drops the name or references the visage of a guy other than you.

STOP!

We have all totally been here before. (If you haven't, you're either a dirty liar or you're just too dang awesome to even be reading this. You should be writing this stuff. And playing Smash Bros with us.) You immediately become panicked and fraught with emotion, yet you have to act as bored as if they were still talking about dumb shoes, because if they saw this turmoil well up within you, they would discover your feelings for this chick that you've worked so hard to bury beneath layers of machismo, but you long for her so desperately and now you're on the verge of losing her forever. The question rings in your mind: WHAT DO I DO???

Again, STOP!!!

One of two things is happening right now:

1! The chick has no idea that you like her because she is interested in someone with more muscles/sport skills/psychological disorders than you. If events follow their natural course, odds are she will try to date this other guy, then come back to you to talk about it! Why? Because YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD LISTENER!!!

Therefore, Rule #1 is DON'T BE "THE LISTENER!"

It is clear that you are considered by this girl to be something called an "Intellectual Whore" (a term coined in 1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn after watching a movie wherein all the wives in the town are so stupid that the men hire prostitutes to have intelligent discourse with). This girl is trying to get with Mr. MuscleTard and only wants you for your ears. You are not special to her. You are one step below her gay friends.

At this point, you need to basically cut this chick loose. Talk more with your bro's at lunch, and keep your responses to her polite but succinct. Hide her from your IM, Facebook, and other social networking thingies so you don't think about her as much. Just divert as much attention away from her as you can without being rude or cold. Chances are, 86% of your brain and 10% of your body have been focused on winning this girl for a while now, and it needs to stop. You're torturing yourself, man. I have found video games to be an excellent alternative emotional outlet.

"But Wise Ones," some of you have been thinking while reading this post, "to be truly manly, shouldn't we men tune out what women say altogether?" You bring up an astute point. Most of what women say does not directly or immediately apply to us men and therefore does not need to be listened to. We have been trained through Natural Selection to listen for critical keywords, such as "naked," "trouble," and "sandwich." However, when you approach conversing with a female woman as a type of game, and listening to different topics give you different amounts of points, and racking up a certain number of points will get you a hug or date or make-out session, then it becomes a competition that you can win for yourself. And competing and winning are two very manly things.

Oh snap, I forgot the other thing that could be happening right now:

2! The chick TOTALLY KNOWS you like her and is playing MIND GAMES with you, in which case, you need to straight-up run out the door. Because you will lose that game. And losing is very not manly.