Rule 9: Cut Your Losses

What do you want?

A GIRLFRIEND!!!

When do you want her?

BEFORE I DIE!!!

You know it. I know it. All your friends know it, because it's all you ever flippin talk about. "Check out that chick!" "I wanna get with that chick!" "Dude, is that a chick or just a really pretty guy?" Granted, hairy, manly, barrel-chested men are supposed to desire females; YOU just happen to do it more than everyone you know. That makes you a freak of nature. So sorry.

But honestly, this wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that this constant desire makes you STUPID. That's why you need this rule.


RULE 9: CUT YOUR LOSSES.

They say that hope springs eternal. No matter how much doom looms overhead, there will always be the faintest spark egging us on, keeping us going. It is this spark that has kept humanity from just completely giving up and going extinct for eons.

However, if you ask a girl out and she turns you down, that hope needs to die. You need to stab it in the back, twist the knife, and watch it slowly bleed out as a smile creeps across your face, because if you let it live, it will make you KEEP COMING BACK TO HER FOREVER. You'll never give up. You'll always think you may still have a chance if you try a little harder or change your personality, but that's wrong. She'll never like you. You need to get over her, and the only way to do that is to get her out of your life. And honestly, why would you want to keep hanging out with someone that constantly reminds you of your failures?

If straight-up cutting her out of your life isn't really an option (i.e.: she's a part of your friend group), then you need to employ my patented 5 STAGES OF REJECTION!!! It's just like the 5 Stages of Grief, but backwards.


ACCEPTANCE - "That's cool. I can't change people's feelings."
DEPRESSION - "Seriously, though, why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me?"
BARGAINING - "Maybe I can change her mind if I changed x and y."
ANGER - "She's stupid for not liking me!"
DENIAL - "Whatever, I never liked her anyway. She was always just a friend."

With practice, eventually, you'll be able to go through this process within a few short hours or less! I find it helps to find a flaw in her personality (and trust me, she DOES have one) and focus on it until it's all you can think about when you see her.

"But what if she's just got a boyfriend? Couldn't I try to wait it out or steal her away?" Well, no. Listen to this guy.

Amendment 1 (RE: Law 2)

Keegan and Joe helped me realize something just now in regards to the 2nd Natural Law:


Just because a girl likes another guy does NOT mean you should give up on her. If you follow the theory of the Like Chain, it's possible that this other guy is attracted to a completely different caliber of chick than the one that currently likes him. It's EVEN possible that she is interested in both of you equally and is just waiting for one of you to MAKE THE MOVE!!!


So really, Law 2 is only good for providing solace after a failed dating attempt. You are NOT allowed to use it as an excuse to back down from pursuing a chick. Natural Laws are what ARE; Rules are what you must DO. Therefore, follow Rule 3 and GO FOR IT, PANSY!!!

Rule 8: Get A Skill.

Rule 5 may be too base or exhausing for you more frail and sensitive girly-men, so if it isn't your cup of tea, you may prefer this method. But stop drinking tea, though. What are you, British?

"We kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

These, as we all know, were the infamous words sung by the ridiculous pop sensation Ke$ha, and they hit some of us men very close to home. Any rational human being, upon first hearing those lyrics, would immediately cry shenanigans. Mick Jagger is the opposite of sex appeal. Just seeing a photo of him has caused some women to go sterile. But although Ke$ha is contractually obligated to be merely a caricature of a drunken party slut, her attraction to this old rock star is not too far off-base from reality.

Rock stars are notorious for being unsightly. Their muscles may be atrophied; their hair may be mangy; their clothes may be tattered, spikey, or just generally unprofessional-looking; their face may look like it was once beaten with a crowbar. In fact, when rock stars don't look like this, we tend to consider them "posers" (unless they sound like Weezer). Yet HOW MANY TIMES have we seen mind-blowingly cute girls in the arms of these Dwellers of the Night?

We He-Men often get very jealous of these types. We, who try to work out and maintain proper hygiene, will always be 1-upped by any band member. Why? CUZ THEY HAVE SKILLS!

RULE 8: GET A SKILL.

Instrument skills are by far the most awesome skills to have, the awesomest of all being guitar skills, because you can't carry a piano or drum set around with you very easily. (Also, it's kinda phallic.) Tell us about it, Joe!

One time, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a bro during a big conference. We were jamming out on our guitars and getting really into it, and two cute girls walked up to us and said "Hey, you guys are awesome! Wanna play Apples to Apples?" SO WE DID. We never would have even been NOTICED had we not been playing guitars.

Ok, right now you may be trying to think of good skills you already possess, like Meat-Grilling Skills, Job-Hunting Skills, Computer-Hacking Skills, etc. Those are all well and good, BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET YOU A CHICK. Those are what we consider Neutral Skills.

For your reference, we have listed some skills within their respective categories:

Girl-Getting Skills:
- Playing a musical instrument (especially phallic ones)
- Being appropriately funny within various venues
- Making eye contact
- Not trembling when you finally get the nerve to talk to her

Neutral Skills:
- Maintaining a steady job
- Being good-looking
- Having good hygiene (FUTURE CASE STUDY!!!)

Anti-Skills:
- Talking about yourself
- Being REALLY good at video games (that aren't on the Wii)
- Sharing your feelings (Honestly, if girls really wanted a guy that did that, they'd just date other girls. Then every girl would be a lesbian, and the entire male population would be either wiped out or turned into eunuch slaves they'd keep around in case something mechanical brakes or a small animal needs killing. Wars and international tension would most likely be neutralized so every woman in the world could go shopping together. Everyone would get along because there'd be no male affection to compete for. We'd have a completely utopian society... BUT AT WHAT COST???)

Rule 7: Accept Failure

Song of the Day: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

Rule of the Day: ACCEPT FAILURE.

This is going to be my least sarcastic post ever. Usually, your guys need the sense beat into you, but this is a sensitive subject.

We've all been there before... You put your heart on the line and shared your feelings for a girl, and she shoots you down. She doesn't even care that sharing feelings is like, the HARDEST THING any man can do (mainly because sometimes we don't have any). SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE that she could get a FREE MEAL out of you! She's already decided that she's better than you and doesn't want to give you a chance.

THAT'S OK!

I mean, come on. There are 6.8 Billion people in the world and 300 Million people in the United States. HALF of them are chicks. Folks are constantly shuffling around looking for love, because NO ONE wants to be alone. The odds are in our favor.

And besides that...

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!* (There's even a website about it.)

Here is the sure-fire, 100% way to get over a girl: If you tell a chick you like her, and she doesn't return the sentiment, you now know that she OBVIOUSLY has bad taste, and getting to know her would probably bore you to tears eventually. Believe me, the ONLY reason a girl is not in your arms right now is because none of the girls you currently know are awesome enough for you. As great as Non-Committal Make-Outs are, compatibility always makes it like, a buh-trillion times more greater.

So make "I AM AWESOME" your mantra. Never let yourself forget it. Our friend The Wanderer put it very eloquently once: "The goal is really just to not fail at least once." (He's married.)

*In order to be completely sure you are awesome, first ask yourself these questions:

- Do I strive for quality in everything I do?

- Do I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at?

- Do I focus on refining and using my strengths and skills, but still try to improve in my weaker areas?

- Am I kind to people when it doesn't matter?

If so, then congratulations!

Rule 6: Don't Be "The Third Wheel!"

I had a different Rule in mind for today, but "Free Falling" was playing on the radio on my way to work, and it put me in the mood for this one:

DON'T BE "THE THIRD WHEEL!!!"

Believe it or not, there once was a time when I was not awesome. It was a long long long time ago, but it did happen. However, I eventually learned from my mistakes and rose like a phoenix from the ashes so that I may offer others the wisdom from my (very few) mistakes.

Why? Because I care.

During this Dark Age of my existence, I spent the majority of my time with one of my very best friends and his girlfriend. We ate together, cruised together, went to the movies together... we were practically inseparable. Only after he broke up with her did it occur to me how awkward our relationship was...

I was the tagalong. They always invited me, but that's irrelevant. What was really happening was that they were dating, and I was spectating.

The term "Third Wheel" originated from the term "Fifth Wheel," an object which, on any form of transportation, would be considered USELESS until a blowout occurred and a SPARE was required. (You can take that extended metaphor however you want.) Similarly, there are only two vehicle types that effectively utilize three wheels: the tricycle/big wheel design (which are for dumb kids who have no balance) and some foreign/experimental cars (which are for no one).

Don't do this to yourself. You're wasting your time. If you want to hang out with the guy, schedule some Guy Time. You're never gonna have 1-on-1 time with the girl, and you shouldn't want any, either (unless that's one of the main reason you keep hanging out with them, in which case, just cut yourself loose from them until you get your priorities straightened out).

Once, I scheduled a lunch-date with a lady-friend just to catch up and hang out. A couple hours before we were to meet, she asked if her boyfriend could come along. Sure, he and I were friends, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER! She had turned a casual friend-date into a date-with-a-tagalong. I informed her of this and refused to meet her. And I never saw her again.

She acted hurt, but she knew what she had done. She snuck him into the event, because she wanted to be with him more than me. Never allow yourself to fall into this trap, because the couple will always prefer each other's company over you.

And honestly, can you blame them? They get to make out with each other.