Friday, July 30, 2010

2nd Natural Law: MURPHY!


I'm back, ho-bags!!! You thought RTDGB had given up on you, didn't you? You thought you'd be alone and confused for the rest of your life because you were such a sad-sack that we couldn't even stand to look at your dumb face. WELL, WE ALMOST DID! But then our friends
Josh and Shane were like, "No, seriously, guys. Y'all have a gift. It's your duty to help this derelict world of ours. With great power comes great responsibility." And we were like "ok FINE!"

But then Keeg and Joe wouldn't write anything. So I'ma step up to the plate and knock this one out of the park.

Oh goodness, does this law ever suck. Whenever you like a girl, but she likes someone else, this law is there. When you make a total wreck out of your first date, this law is there. When you think everything is going more awesomely that you've ever been able to make it go, but the girl suddenly has no more time for you, THIS LAW IS THERE. It is the Gary Oak of dating. (Future Rule: Pokémon is awesome.)

This is Murphy's Dating Law: Anything that can possibly go wrong, does.

I came to know this law after several failed attempts to get with several different chicks (who, in retrospect, were not nearly awesome enough to handle me (Future Law!)). Most every time, the female was not interested in me because she had higher prospects in the works. AT THE SAME TIME, there would always be another less appealing female that would foil (in the literary sense) the other chick's actions by liking me way more than I ever wanted to like her. I call this the Like Chain, and it works as follows:

- Creepy Guy likes Nerdy Girl.
- Nerdy Girl is creeped out by Creepy Guy but is heartily attracted to Artsy Guy.
- Artsy Guy thinks Nerdy Girl is irritating but thinks Cheerleader is an angel from heaven.
- Cheerleader considers Artsy Guy to be cute in a pathetic way, but it doesn't matter, because she is madly in love with her boyfriend, Quarterback.
- Quarterback thinks Cheerleader is ok, but she just doesn't understand him quite like Call of Duty does.

As you can see, there is a consistent desire for that which is beyond everyone's reach and a lack of desire for what could be easily attained. Artsy Guy could probably be very content with Nerdy Girl, but he'll never realize it with Cheerleader obstructing his vision! Usually, this chain can only be broken once someone in it dies.

So guess what? If you meet a girl and really want to ask her out after awhile, there is a 98% chance that SHE ALREADY LIKES SOMEONE ELSE and she will immediately place you in the friend category. Tough noogies.

And that's just what can go wrong BEFORE she says yes! The amount of like you have toward a girl is directly proportionate to how badly the date can go. You will spill something red on her white shirt. You will have something in your teeth all night. You will say the one thing that turns her off of you forever (and it won't even be a big issue like politics or religion; most likely, you'll make a comment about her favorite TV show (Note: Never make fun of Gilmore Girls or Grey's Anatomy) that will sour her perspective on everything you say thenceforth).

How can you prepare for this? YOU CAN'T. No amount of preparation will keep disaster from striking in some way. The only trick is to be as awesome as us, which is impossible. Even if everything goes really well, it's important to know that women change their minds like they change socks, and she may dump you just because SHE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING YOU COULD DO WRONG LATER. (Oh hey there, 1st Natural Law.)

Honestly, unless she's crazy about you, you're doomed from the start. Don't worry, though. Our future posts will teach you how to make her crazy about you.

(click click wink)

Clint, don't do that. Just... don't.


  1. Well that's depressing.

    But I got a shout-out, so it's all good!