Thursday, December 9, 2010

Rule 12: Save Your Money

Here comes a sad one. Don't worry, I'll make it short.

Rule 12: Save Your Money.

You spend money on women. You need to stop it.

At first glance, this may seem like just as unchivalric a thing a guy could do short of calling a girl fat, because even if you WANT to, you never should. (It's poor taste.) BUT HEAR ME OUT!

I'm not talking to your average guy here. I'm talking to that kid who's cripplingly awkward around EVERY GIRL HE KNOWS. What does this guy ALWAYS do with the girl he likes? He finds something she likes and
goes out and buys it for her. If it's a cheap enough thing, he'll buy it for her several times. He can probably barely even SPEAK to this girl, so of course, he thinks that gifts will express to her what his words never could, and she'll see what a beautiful soul he has and fall madly in love with him.

O, for a thousand tongues to sing of how wrong you are.

THIS DOES NOT WORK, DUDE. It will NEVER work. In fact, every gift you buy her will only
irritate her that much more. You're going off of a VERY limited knowledge base of what this girl is like and what her interests really are. So take a step back, regroup, re-read all of these rules, collect your nerve, and LEARN TO TALK TO HER LIKE A MAN.

For all you normal guys out there, this rule still very much applies to you. DO NOT buy anything for a girl you like until she agrees to go on a date with you. Honestly, you're going to keep blowing money on her if you don't even know whether or not she likes you!? That's ridiculous! Wait until she says "Yes," then REWARD her for making good choices with a free meal.

And girls, don't be douchettes about this either. Don't let a man keep buying you things if you don't like him. You're accepting gifts for existing, and that makes you worse than a whore. At least whores WORK for a living.

Which brings me to the one exception to this rule. The only time a single guy may give the single girl he likes a gift is
on her birthday. (This is also the only time it's ok for anyone to get gifts for just existing. I feel this should go without saying, but I said it anyway.) HOWEVER, that gift BETTER be $15 or less. Maybe $20 if it's a really cool gift. And NO JEWELRY. That's just weird.

(If you live in rich society, this rule may not apply. Spending money may be the only way ya'll know how to communicate.)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

I just downed a fried egg cheeseburger. I'm feeling especially manly right now.

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

"Aloof" is seriously one of my favorite words. Not only is it hilarious to say out loud (especially in various accents), it is almost guaranteed to get you the girl.

Some fancy-pants phrase-coiner (probably Shakespeare) once said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." For those who don't believe in any language other than Amer'can, this loosely translates to: "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"

Here's the thing: human beings like attention. Some even constantly NEED attention (i.e.: babies). There's a good chance that most people would rather have attention than food, because attention is just a few levels away from LOOOVE. This is why kids who get picked on at school will keep trying to hang out with those that pick on him: negative attention is better than no attention at all.

So it makes perfect sense that when one of us peoples does not receive attention when we feel we
completely deserve it, we will slowly start to freak out. We will even change the circumstances within our environment more and more until that attention is bestowed upon us.

THEREFORE, if you (a guy) are interested in a female (a girl) and want her to be interested in you back, you need to NOT talk to her.

That's right, punk. See, YOUR tendency will be to try to spend every waking moment with this girl, because hey,
you really like her. I understand where you're coming from, but this plan will totally backfire on you. You will smother her. Instead, take this approach: Introduce yourself, be charming and friendly, then make yourself SPARSE. You want to be like a magical creature that randomly graces her with your presence. But less gay-sounding.

This is especially the case once you get her to go on a date with you. I have it on good authority from one of my favorite lady-friends that The Three Day Rule for calling women is absolutely true: "A woman's interest for a guy lasts exactly 72 hours. She'll be
dying for you to call her right up until that point, but after that, she'll be completely over you."

I know this seems like a form of abuse or neglect, but as previously mentioned in the
3rd Natural Law, and as will be mentioned in a future case study, most women like to be mistreated. And besides, we ALL want that which we can't have.

This scenario gets more precarious the hotter the girl is. She's more likely to get more infuriated when you don't give her enough attention, but she's
also more likely to move on quicker. As in all things, it's important to find a balance. I trust you'll be able to figure this out for yourselves.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

(GUEST) CASE STUDY 1: Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Watching Jersey Shore

The Wanderer's back to drop some more knowledge on you douche nozzles!  A great philosopher once said, “You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

Let me break this down for those of you from places not quite as classy as New Jersey.  This quote is from a man who calls himself “The Situation” and “stars” (I use the term very loosely) on MTV’s reality show/sociology dissertation Jersey Shore, and translates into English roughly as “You need to be maximally desirable to the opposite sex by working out all the time, maintaining a year-round permaorange tan, and making sure your clothes are clean in order to be found attractive and find girls who are willing to engage in sexual intercourse in Miami, FL…say that 5 times fast.”

Jersey Shore is what would happen if you gave monkeys at the zoo steroids, an unlimited supply of alcohol, and a hot tub.  I find the show utterly repulsive and unbearably fascinating.  Watching Jersey Shore is like watching a drunken bear ride a unicycle through a ring of fire: you’re not really sure how it happened, you’re almost entirely certain it’s going to end poorly, and yet you can’t help but watch.  I think the cast of Jersey Shore could keep the world’s finest physicists, sociologists, psychologists, grammaticians, and biologists busy for decades (The physicists would work on equations for how their hair stays so big and rigid, the sociologists would study their behavior patterns, the psychologists would delve deep into the twisted inner workings of their minds, the grammaticians would analyze every ridiculous word that comes out of their mouths, and the biologists would attempt to solve the mystery of how human beings can build up such high levels of tolerance to fake tanning products, alcohol, and toxic hairspray fumes).

The men of Jersey Shore are practically dripping with the Third Natural Law, and, thanks to years of anabolic steroids, have gained the skills that come with Rule 5 with little to no effort.  We can laugh all we want, but these men are being paid to live a life dedicated to pure, unadulterated hedonism.  What man wouldn’t want that?

So, fellas, brush up on your GTL.  Stay hella FTD.  And, if you’re ever in the MIA…I don’t recommend trying to pick up the girls who are DTF (Clap on, clap off.  Clap on, clap off…venereal disease!), but you could always find a grenade who’s DTS.  (Here's a decoder for those of you not hip to the lingo.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

RULE 10: Don't Date Pretty

I'm taking a quick break from bear-wrestling to deliver some more truth directly to your face.


"All that glitters is not gold." (A man said that. We know this because if a woman had said it, she would have added, "it may also be diamond.") This is the concept behind today's lesson, and it's one that many a manly man struggle with.

For those who aren't familiar with the Facts of Life (i.e.: recluses, monkeys, and british people), men are drawn to shiny objects. Jeff Foxworthy, Mustache God, elaborated upon this phenomenon as to how it pertained to rednecks and their fascination with aluminum boats. By his definition, the
dimmer a person is, the more drawn he will be to shiny objects. That's called physics, son.

This applies to women as well. Women love jewelry because it sparkles, but they also love it because they know that men love jewelry
on women. We see these trinkets and are lured to them like chub to the angler fish. Once some really smart chicks started making dresses out of reflective material and putting glitter in makeup... I mean, honestly, guys don't stand a chance now.

But sparkliness is not just skin-deep! Some women even have sparkly 
personalities! These are the chicks who know how to flirt and bat their eyes and have a good time at parties. Men love these chicks. They're fun and exciting. These are the kinds of chicks that men crowd around and fight over. These are the kinds of chicks that YOU want under your arm.

Well, you shouldn't.

See, it's not exactly easy for girls to be that shiny. It takes hard work, practice, and probably a lot of money. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the women who put on that layer of perfect makeup, sport the latest fashions, drive the cutest cars, tan religiously, AND maintain a rockin figure have devoted so much time and energy into their appearance that all other aspects of their humanity were ultimately neglected.

Translation: These chicks are BORES. They have NOTHING interesting to offer other than how they look. You guys may find it fun to be flirted with, but once you realize that's the deepest your conversations will ever get, it'll get old REAL fast.

But what do we men do?
We stick it out! We'll sit and listen to these girls talk about what they bought at the mall, or who they saw talking to who(m?), or how wasted they got at the last party they went to, until we want to gnaw our own ears off, but we KEEP COMING BACK!


Shiny objects inhibit our capacity to think. Shiny girls are so visually stimulating that our eyes trick our brains into thinking that's all the stimulation we really need, but in truth, if you're looking for an acquaintanceship that at least
could be fulfilling, you've got to got to GOT to go deeper.

Men, I beseech you to save yourselves from this trap. I would go so far as to tell you to completely avoid this girl when you see her at social gatherings and seek out the wallflower. You'll most likely have a delightful conversation with her about something moderately interesting (maybe... books?), and the best part is, you'll have little to no competition due to the fact that every other guy is drooling over the gorgeous empty shell of a female taking jello shots.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Rule 9: Cut Your Losses

What do you want?


When do you want her?


You know it. I know it. All your friends know it, because it's all you ever flippin talk about. "Check out that
chick!" "I wanna get with that chick!" "Dude, is that a chick or just a really pretty guy?" Granted, hairy, manly, barrel-chested men are supposed to desire females; YOU just happen to do it more than everyone you know. That makes you a freak of nature. So sorry.

But honestly, this wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that this constant desire makes you STUPID. That's why you need this rule.


They say that hope springs eternal. No matter how much doom looms overhead, there will always be the faintest spark egging us on, keeping us going. It is this spark that has kept humanity from just completely giving up and going extinct for eons.

However, if you ask a girl out and she turns you down, that hope needs to die. You need to stab it in the back, twist the knife, and watch it slowly bleed out as a smile creeps across your face, because if you let it live, it will make you
KEEP COMING BACK TO HER FOREVER. You'll never give up. You'll always think you may still have a chance if you try a little harder or change your personality, but that's wrong. She'll never like you. You need to get over her, and the only way to do that is to get her out of your life. And honestly, why would you want to keep hanging out with someone that constantly reminds you of your failures?

If straight-up cutting her out of your life isn't really an option (i.e.: she's a part of your friend group), then you need to employ my patented
5 STAGES OF REJECTION!!! It's just like the 5 Stages of Grief, but backwards.

ACCEPTANCE - "That's cool. I can't change people's feelings."
DEPRESSION - "Seriously, though, why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me?"
BARGAINING - "Maybe I can change her mind if I changed x and y."
ANGER - "She's stupid for not liking me!"
DENIAL - "Whatever, I never liked her anyway. She was always just a friend."

With practice, eventually, you'll be able to go through this process within a few short hours or less! I find it helps to find a flaw in her personality (and trust me, she DOES have one) and focus on it until it's all you can think about when you see her.

"But what if she's just got a boyfriend? Couldn't I try to wait it out or steal her away?" Well, no. Listen to
 this guy.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Amendment 1 (RE: Law 2)

Keegan and Joe helped me realize something just now in regards to the 2nd Natural Law:

Just because a girl likes another guy does NOT mean you should give up on her. If you follow the theory of the Like Chain, it's possible that this other guy is attracted to a completely different caliber of chick than the one that currently likes him. It's EVEN possible that she is interested in both of you equally and is just waiting for one of you to MAKE THE MOVE!!!

So really, Law 2 is only good for providing solace after a failed dating attempt. You are NOT allowed to use it as an excuse to back down from pursuing a chick. Natural Laws are what ARE; Rules are what you must DO. Therefore, follow Rule 3 and GO FOR IT, PANSY!!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Rule 8: Get A Skill.

Rule 5 may be too base or exhausing for you more frail and sensitive girly-men, so if it isn't your cup of tea, you may prefer this method. But stop drinking tea, though. What are you, British?

"We kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

These, as we all know, were the infamous words sung by the ridiculous pop sensation Ke$ha, and they hit some of us men very close to home. Any rational human being, upon first hearing those lyrics, would immediately cry shenanigans. Mick Jagger is the opposite of sex appeal. Just seeing a photo of him has caused some women to go sterile. But although Ke$ha is contractually obligated to be merely a caricature of a drunken party slut, her attraction to this old rock star is not too far off-base from reality.

Rock stars are notorious for being unsightly. Their muscles may be atrophied; their hair may be mangy; their clothes may be tattered, spikey, or just generally unprofessional-looking; their face may look like it was once beaten with a crowbar. In fact, when rock stars don't look like this, we tend to consider them "posers" (unless they sound like Weezer). Yet HOW MANY TIMES have we seen mind-blowingly cute girls in the arms of these Dwellers of the Night?

We He-Men often get very jealous of these types. We, who try to work out and maintain proper hygiene, will always be 1-upped by any band member. Why? CUZ THEY HAVE SKILLS!


Instrument skills are by far the most awesome skills to have, the awesomest of all being guitar skills, because you can't carry a piano or drum set around with you very easily. (Also, it's kinda phallic.) Tell us about it, Joe!

One time, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a bro during a big conference. We were jamming out on our guitars and getting really into it, and two cute girls walked up to us and said "Hey, you guys are awesome! Wanna play Apples to Apples?" SO WE DID. We never would have even been NOTICED had we not been playing guitars.

Ok, right now you may be trying to think of good skills you already possess, like Meat-Grilling Skills, Job-Hunting Skills, Computer-Hacking Skills, etc. Those are all well and good, BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET YOU A CHICK. Those are what we consider Neutral Skills.

For your reference, we have listed some skills within their respective categories:

Girl-Getting Skills:
- Playing a musical instrument (especially phallic ones)
- Being appropriately funny within various venues
- Making eye contact
- Not trembling when you finally get the nerve to talk to her

Neutral Skills:
- Maintaining a steady job
- Being good-looking
- Having good hygiene (FUTURE CASE STUDY!!!)

- Talking about yourself
- Being REALLY good at video games (that aren't on the Wii)
- Sharing your feelings (Honestly, if girls really wanted a guy that did that, they'd just date other girls. Then every girl would be a lesbian, and the entire male population would be either wiped out or turned into eunuch slaves they'd keep around in case something mechanical brakes or a small animal needs killing. Wars and international tension would most likely be neutralized so every woman in the world could go shopping together. Everyone would get along because there'd be no male affection to compete for. We'd have a completely utopian society... BUT AT WHAT COST???)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Rule 7: Accept Failure

Song of the Day: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

Rule of the Day: ACCEPT FAILURE.

This is going to be my least sarcastic post ever. Usually, your guys need the sense beat into you, but this is a sensitive subject.

We've all been there before... You put your heart on the line and shared your feelings for a girl, and she shoots you down. She doesn't even care that sharing feelings is like, the HARDEST THING any man can do (mainly because sometimes we don't have any). SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE that she could get a FREE MEAL out of you! She's already decided that she's better than you and doesn't want to give you a chance.


I mean, come on. There are 6.8 Billion people in the world and 300 Million people in the United States. HALF of them are chicks. Folks are constantly shuffling around looking for love, because NO ONE wants to be alone. The odds are in our favor.

And besides that...

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!* (There's even a website about it.)

Here is the sure-fire, 100% way to get over a girl: If you tell a chick you like her, and she doesn't return the sentiment, you now know that she OBVIOUSLY has bad taste, and getting to know her would probably bore you to tears eventually. Believe me, the ONLY reason a girl is not in your arms right now is because none of the girls you currently know are awesome enough for you. As great as Non-Committal Make-Outs are, compatibility always makes it like, a buh-trillion times more greater.

So make "I AM AWESOME" your mantra. Never let yourself forget it. Our friend The Wanderer put it very eloquently once: "The goal is really just to not fail at least once." (He's married.)

*In order to be completely sure you are awesome, first ask yourself these questions:

- Do I strive for quality in everything I do?
- Do I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at?
- Do I focus on refining and using my strengths and skills, but still try to improve in my weaker areas?
- Am I kind to people when it doesn't matter?

If so, then congratulations!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Rule 6: Don't Be "The Third Wheel!"

I had a different Rule in mind for today, but "Free Falling" was playing on the radio on my way to work, and it put me in the mood for this one:


Believe it or not, there once was a time when I was not awesome. It was a long long long time ago, but it did happen. However, I eventually learned from my mistakes and rose like a phoenix from the ashes so that I may offer others the wisdom from my (very few) mistakes.

Why? Because I care.

During this Dark Age of my existence, I spent the majority of my time with one of my very best friends and his girlfriend. We ate together, cruised together, went to the movies together... we were practically inseparable. Only after he broke up with her did it occur to me how awkward our relationship was...

I was the tagalong. They always invited me, but that's irrelevant. What was really happening was that they were dating, and I was spectating.

The term "Third Wheel" originated from the term "Fifth Wheel," an object which, on any form of transportation, would be considered USELESS until a blowout occurred and a SPARE was required. (You can take that extended metaphor however you want.) Similarly, there are only two vehicle types that effectively utilize three wheels: the tricycle/big wheel design (which are for dumb kids who have no balance) and some foreign/experimental cars (which are for no one).

Don't do this to yourself. You're wasting your time. If you want to hang out with the guy, schedule some Guy Time. You're never gonna have 1-on-1 time with the girl, and you shouldn't want any, either (unless that's one of the main reason you keep hanging out with them, in which case, just cut yourself loose from them until you get your priorities straightened out).

Once, I scheduled a lunch-date with a lady-friend just to catch up and hang out. A couple hours before we were to meet, she asked if her boyfriend could come along. Sure, he and I were friends, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER! She had turned a casual friend-date into a date-with-a-tagalong. I informed her of this and refused to meet her. And I never saw her again.

She acted hurt, but she knew what she had done. She snuck him into the event, because she wanted to be with him more than me. Never allow yourself to fall into this trap, because the couple will always prefer each other's company over you.

And honestly, can you blame them? They get to make out with each other.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Rule 5: Get Muscles

I woke up this morning to "Centerfold" on the radio. My week has started off right, and now, so will yours.


This is by far the easiest thing you could do to start making yourself more appealing to the lady-types. In many scenarios, women will seem completely uninterested in men in general. This usually comes from them being burned one too many times (by fault of their own poor choices of men to date). They'll constantly say things like, "I'm through with men! They're all such pigs! All they care about is my body!"

But what happens when a musclebound male walks up to them and strikes up a conversation? They go silly! At that moment, all they care about IS HIS BODY. I've seen this happen to the prudest of prudes. Biceps are to women what boobs are to men. Girls act like and say they don't care about physical appearance, but this is just a lie they tell to try to protect your fragile ego, you girly-man.

So seriously, hit the gym. If you're in high school or college, you probably could access their for free. Search the interwebs for good workout routines, and find the one that's right for you. Once you start, you'll look better and feel healthier, and that will give you CONFIDENCE. (Oh snap, it's Law 3.)

Also, always take a bro for moral support. If you go to the gym by yourself, you might become addicted. You'll start slipping into an obsession of constantly working out just to make yourself feel better. And that's masturbation. "Self-improvement" is an oxymoron; we can only grow as individuals through interacting with people who care about us.

Ugh... I need to end this more sarcastically than that...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

3rd Natural Law: CONFIDENCE.

Before we continue, I feel that I must clarify how important these Rules and Natural Laws are. You need to get it through your head right now that if you don't respect or follow them, you will die alone. Period. The order in which we present them is irrelevant; You need to consider them ALL to be #1.

So when I tell you that this next Law is THE MOST ball-crushingly important Law I could present to you, that merely means that you need to know it. Except you need to know ALL of them. Because they're ALL the most important. (Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's impossible to argue against a closed loop when you're outside of it. Try it! It's tons of fun!)


That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's
one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.

You see, since females are in a perpetual state of
thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")

BUT!... Guess what the most pivotal factor within that formula is? If you said "acting like a douche," you'd technically be right, because what you consider to be douchebaggery is actually what women call CONFIDENCE.

Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)

How does this work? Because all the while, you were
CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)

However, there is a fine line between the two, in the same way that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. For instance, you can make all the guys around you look like pansies by besting them with your athletic prowess or rapier wit, then laughing in their faces at how inferior they are, but you can't punch them. Girls consider that to be brutish and unattractive for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it either.

The biggest obstacle of this Law is that confidence cannot be faked. You just have to have it. You may act confident by telling a girl that you've had a crush on her for months and would love the chance to try to make her happy by being the best boyfriend ever, but all that is is sweet. You think that would make her love you because girls LOVE sweet, but sweet doesn't help perpetuate the species, doily-cake. Sweet animals get killed by CONFIDENT animals. CONFIDENCE is instinctually appealing because it makes the species SURVIVE, and natural instinct ALWAYS trumps good judgment and personal happiness.

For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.


Thursday, August 5, 2010


Think fast, douchefags! This is The Wanderer, coming at you with a special guest rule! Now, as a man with multiple months of marital experience, I’m about to give you some advice about women that will seem both highly counter-intuitive and (initially) totally un-manly. But, I promise it’ll all make sense when I’m done. So, hang on to your butts and get ready to dive in:


Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Josh, I’m the manliest man who ever punched a bear in the face while jumping a motorcycle across the Grand Canyon blindfolded. I’ve got so much testosterone in me that there’s a bidding war to bottle my sweat as an ultra-energy drink. And, because of all that manly testosterone, I could never let someone else win at something. I once broke my three year-old nephew’s leg because it looked like he might beat me in a game of hopscotch. How could I ever be enough of a sissy to LET HER WIN?!”

Just calm down there, Hulk Schwarzenegger-Norris, because I’m gonna let you know exactly why you should let her win.

Women like to argue. A lot. Not to say that dudes can’t argue. A heated debate on a topic of importance (cars, superheroes, Star Trek vs. Star Wars, boobs vs. butts, etc.) is one of the manliest activities there is. But, it’s important to remember that arguing with a woman is nothing like debating with a man. When you argue with a woman, things like common sense, logic, and reality don’t matter in the least. The only thing that matters to a woman in an argument is that she’s right. Always.

And that is where we come to the heart of the issue: relationships are war. And, as some dead Chinese guy said, “All warfare is based on deception.” Every argument you have is a battle, and it is a battle you can win. But the way to win an argument with a woman is by not arguing.

Confused yet? Good. You should be.

We win arguments with women in the same way that you survive a bear attack: curl up into a ball, play dead, and wait for the bear to get tired of mauling you and leave. In the same way, you win arguments with women by agreeing with whatever insanity comes out of her mouth. Because then she’ll like you. And let you touch her.

And that, gentlemen, is a true victory.

Guest Rule brought to you by Josh of Wandering Above the Sea of Fog and Rules to Live Your Life By.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

From the desk of Keeganomics™-Statistical Analysis: Risk/Reward (Rule 3)

Friends, we here at RTDGB have had a decidedly “manly” tone in our previous posts. And in the interest of making sure that you (the reader) don’t get the wrong idea about our (generally satirical) viewpoints, I think it would be beneficial to take a somewhat more conversational approach in this post. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo here goes….

Look at this picture.

Source: (I’m pretty sure the author of the site is a certified genius, and probably one of the manliest men I’ve never met.)

Put on your face mask, because here comes some hard-hitting statistical analysis.
Imagine the girl you are currently fixated upon, whether it be the girl across the lunch room you’ve been dying to talk to, the girl sitting a few chairs down in your Gen Ed science class, or the girl in your friend group that you’ve never quite gotten up the gumption to tell how you feel. Now look back at the picture. We here at RTDGB don’t necessarily promote casual physical relationships (We don’t?), but for the sake of argument, change “kissed her” to “told her how I feel.” (Or don’t. You fox.)

Now think about that girl again. She’s beautiful isn’t she? The way the light plays across her face as the sun sets. That funny look she gets when she’s concentrating. Her intoxicating aroma that makes your heart skip a beat…or two…or three…

Did you just have a heart attack?

No, I’m good... Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh yeah! Now why haven’t you said anything to her yet? Can you think of a reason that doesn’t begin with “Uuuuuh….uuuuuuummmmmmm….weeeeeeelll…..”? I didn’t think so.

Do you want me to tell you why she hasn’t said yes to you yet? Go look in the mirror.

Seriously, go do it. I’ll wait.
You thought I was kidding didn't you? Seriously...go do it.
Alright, did you see that handsome guy in there? The reason she's not with you is because that guy didn't ask her.

Have I ever told you how I feel about coffee? I hate it. Why? It’s the bitter taste. Every time I take a sip, I remember a different regret in my life. That team I didn’t try out for, the girl I didn’t ask to the prom, (that time you didn’t give me five bucks,) you get the idea. Coffee is the taste of broken dreams, of unrequited love…

the taste of ‘almost’.

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s still that tinge of sadness that lurks towards the end of the taste, waiting to remind you of all your shortcomings, of all the times you didn’t measure up. That’s why I drink Mountain Dew instead. It’s caffeinated AND delicious!

I had a dream a couple weeks ago. In the dream I saw a girl…THE girl. She was walking alone at night, under the street lamps. I don’t know where she was going.
I wanted to call out to her. It was dark, she shouldn’t be walking alone!
I said nothing…and then...she was gone.
I woke up.

I tasted coffee that morning.

So all of this rambling leads to the point: See the numbers in that picture? That’s almost an 8 ½ to 1 ratio of “should” to “shouldn’t.” That’s why Rule 2 is MAN UP AND GO FOR IT. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t say something to her. There’s no reason why you should continue to let her walk alone. Even if she shoots you down in a horrible fiery explosion, the reward always outweighs the risk.

pictured: Not what will happen to you.

So what are you waiting for? Do it! You’ll never have to wonder about what might have happened. You’ll never have to know that you COULD have, but didn’t. You’ll know that it didn’t work because it didn’t work. You’ll know that now you can move on, and taste the sweet Mountain Dew of Contentment, and not the bitter Coffee of Regret.

It mocks your failure

Friday, July 30, 2010

2nd Natural Law: MURPHY!


I'm back, ho-bags!!! You thought RTDGB had given up on you, didn't you? You thought you'd be alone and confused for the rest of your life because you were such a sad-sack that we couldn't even stand to look at your dumb face. WELL, WE ALMOST DID! But then our friends
Josh and Shane were like, "No, seriously, guys. Y'all have a gift. It's your duty to help this derelict world of ours. With great power comes great responsibility." And we were like "ok FINE!"

But then Keeg and Joe wouldn't write anything. So I'ma step up to the plate and knock this one out of the park.

Oh goodness, does this law ever suck. Whenever you like a girl, but she likes someone else, this law is there. When you make a total wreck out of your first date, this law is there. When you think everything is going more awesomely that you've ever been able to make it go, but the girl suddenly has no more time for you, THIS LAW IS THERE. It is the Gary Oak of dating. (Future Rule: Pokémon is awesome.)

This is Murphy's Dating Law: Anything that can possibly go wrong, does.

I came to know this law after several failed attempts to get with several different chicks (who, in retrospect, were not nearly awesome enough to handle me (Future Law!)). Most every time, the female was not interested in me because she had higher prospects in the works. AT THE SAME TIME, there would always be another less appealing female that would foil (in the literary sense) the other chick's actions by liking me way more than I ever wanted to like her. I call this the Like Chain, and it works as follows:

- Creepy Guy likes Nerdy Girl.
- Nerdy Girl is creeped out by Creepy Guy but is heartily attracted to Artsy Guy.
- Artsy Guy thinks Nerdy Girl is irritating but thinks Cheerleader is an angel from heaven.
- Cheerleader considers Artsy Guy to be cute in a pathetic way, but it doesn't matter, because she is madly in love with her boyfriend, Quarterback.
- Quarterback thinks Cheerleader is ok, but she just doesn't understand him quite like Call of Duty does.

As you can see, there is a consistent desire for that which is beyond everyone's reach and a lack of desire for what could be easily attained. Artsy Guy could probably be very content with Nerdy Girl, but he'll never realize it with Cheerleader obstructing his vision! Usually, this chain can only be broken once someone in it dies.

So guess what? If you meet a girl and really want to ask her out after awhile, there is a 98% chance that SHE ALREADY LIKES SOMEONE ELSE and she will immediately place you in the friend category. Tough noogies.

And that's just what can go wrong BEFORE she says yes! The amount of like you have toward a girl is directly proportionate to how badly the date can go. You will spill something red on her white shirt. You will have something in your teeth all night. You will say the one thing that turns her off of you forever (and it won't even be a big issue like politics or religion; most likely, you'll make a comment about her favorite TV show (Note: Never make fun of Gilmore Girls or Grey's Anatomy) that will sour her perspective on everything you say thenceforth).

How can you prepare for this? YOU CAN'T. No amount of preparation will keep disaster from striking in some way. The only trick is to be as awesome as us, which is impossible. Even if everything goes really well, it's important to know that women change their minds like they change socks, and she may dump you just because SHE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING YOU COULD DO WRONG LATER. (Oh hey there, 1st Natural Law.)

Honestly, unless she's crazy about you, you're doomed from the start. Don't worry, though. Our future posts will teach you how to make her crazy about you.

(click click wink)

Clint, don't do that. Just... don't.

Friday, July 23, 2010

“On the Field” with Indiana Joe – Breakfast of Champions (Rule 2)


Why: You’re eating a GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST with the woman of your dreams (probably Erin Andrews)

Really, do you have to question this call? You’re eating reasonably priced food with a hot girl. It’s like winning the Super Bowl with minimal effort. She’s even looking at your obviously chiseled chest. How could this possibly go bad?

And that’s when you realize you only have one piece of bacon left on your plate.

Your eyes make contact. She makes eyes like that cute puppy you saw on Animal Planet while trying to find Sports Center.

She wants your last piece of bacon.

You decide to give it to her.


It is a universal truth that MEN NEED BACON.

That hot girl sitting across the table knows YOU NEED BACON. This is a test.

Letting her have the last piece of bacon is like EATING A SALAD AT A STEAKHOUSE WITH LOW FAT RANCH YOU PANSY.

Pictured: NOT BACON

And she knows this.



Here is an analogy to help you remember:


By eating the last piece of bacon you understand your natural role as a man and what a man must do to survive. This, in turn, is attractive to the female race and may even lead to mating. (after marriage of course)

If every man let their girlfriend eat the last piece of bacon there would be NO MEN LEFT AND THEREFORE THE HUMAN RACE DIES OUT.

No men = No reproducing = No one to eat at Denny's

So be a man of confidence. Enjoy your breakfast of champions. The survival of the human race is depending on it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

From the desk of Keeganomics™

Friends, have you been affected by a recent financial crisis… OF LOVE?!?!?!?

Where is the love?

If so, Keeganomics ™ has got you covered! Using HARD HITTING statistical analysis, RECESSION BUSTING observational skills, and THE WISDOM OF COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE, I will help YOU to bust out of the DUST BOWL OF LOVE! Yes friend, it’s time for a NEW DEAL OF LOVE! It’s time to stop the Great Depression and burst into the ROARING 20’s! …OF LOVE!!!

(what’s that you say? The Depression came AFTER the Roaring 20’s?....oh…uuuuuuuh…well…I was speaking figuratively of course…Wait! I got it!)

It’s time to bust out of the Great Depression and into the ROARING 20’s OF LOVE in a mind blowing reversal of history. Keeganomics™ is so effective, it can reverse even the worst of fortunes*

And so friends, join us as our collective experience TRICKLES DOWN to you!!! Turn that market not into a bear market, not into a bull market, but into a RAPTOR JESUS MARKET!!!

pictured: greatest thing ever

*Keeganomics™ cannot reverse the actual Great Depression

1st Natural Law: THE MIND!

Oh snap. I don't know if you're ready for this one. This is one of the most vital and fundamental (vitamental) truths, a truth that lays the foundation for all knowledge and wisdom pertaining to dude and chick. Somewhere deep inside us all, this truth has laid buried under layers of denial and prejudice, and for many, unearthing this truth will shatter the very foundation of their world and leave them in a smoldering pile of hormones and despair. Nevertheless, I must present this to you now in order to proceed with any other entries. And so, I begin...

Seriously, though. Have you seen "Inception" yet? It'll be like that. I hope you're sitting down and other people are nearby to help you recover.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" That is the number one phrase used by all humans when talking about the opposite sex (Source: Bible). We don't understand each other's habits, mannerisms, verbal cues, body language, Facebook comments, etc. I can't speak for you ladies, but we men are confused by all of the following things you do:

- Thinking You're Fat/Ugly: Men never do this. The fattest, ugliest one among us still thinks he looks like Mr. Universe when he flexes in the mirror.

- Wanting to Talk So Much: shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! IT'S THE TV'S TURN TO TALK!!!

- Loving Shoes So Much: Black and gay men are the exceptions, but for completely different reasons.

- Not Making Me a Sandwich: I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying my love is conditional.

Here is the heart of the crux of the matter. There's a reason a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from WVenus" sold a buh-million copies, and it has nothing to do with astrology or NASA: guy brains and girl brains are wired completely differently. Science has not yet come close to mapping out these differences, and all of our best guesses come from comedians.

HOWEVER! We here at Rules to Date Girls By, on that Fateful Night of Divine Inspiration, were blessed with the most simple and elegant explanation, which shall henceforth be known as THE NATURAL LAW OF THE MIND!...

Men are stupid; Women are crazy.

Now, before anyone becomes enraged because someone insulted their gender on the internet, please notice that I put both descriptors in a negative connotation to create an Equilibrium, starring Christian Bale (dumb movie, don't watch it).

You see, men don't like thinking. We do it when it's necessary, but only if there is a promise of no thinking in the future. The reason we build or create anything is to make the thinking processes simpler for the next generation (i.e.: computers, plumbing, movie plots, etc.). We solve problems now so that more problems that require thinking don't come up later.

Women, on the other hand, LOVE to think. They think about how they look, who's dating who, what they're going to eat, what their favorite Julia Roberts movie is, what their FRIENDS are thinking, what their BOYFRIENDS are thinking about (Hint: NOTHING!), and so many other non-vitamental issues. I'm pretty sure they can't even stop thinking, which is why they've developed the power of telepathy. (Women can actually share minds if conditions are right. I know this because I once got caught in a female mind stream and blacked out.) Men are jealous of this power, but it's a small price to pay for thinking less.

THEREFORE! What always happens when the two sexes interact is that women will over-think and men will under-think. When a girl likes a guy, there is a 92% chance he will not realize it. Inversely, whether or not a guy likes a girl, the girl will imagine every conceivable scenario she and he may go through, and her mind becomes so completely overwhelmed that she has to cry or buy something.

This subject will be further elaborated upon as we go through the Rules. Until then, women: be more obvious. Speak directly and bluntly and use smaller and fewer words. And men: just be paranoid of everything. Trust me, it'll work.

I really wanna go see Inception again.