Thursday, December 9, 2010
Rule 12: Save Your Money.
You spend money on women. You need to stop it.
At first glance, this may seem like just as unchivalric a thing a guy could do short of calling a girl fat, because even if you WANT to, you never should. (It's poor taste.) BUT HEAR ME OUT!
I'm not talking to your average guy here. I'm talking to that kid who's cripplingly awkward around EVERY GIRL HE KNOWS. What does this guy ALWAYS do with the girl he likes? He finds something she likes and goes out and buys it for her. If it's a cheap enough thing, he'll buy it for her several times. He can probably barely even SPEAK to this girl, so of course, he thinks that gifts will express to her what his words never could, and she'll see what a beautiful soul he has and fall madly in love with him.
O, for a thousand tongues to sing of how wrong you are.
THIS DOES NOT WORK, DUDE. It will NEVER work. In fact, every gift you buy her will only irritate her that much more. You're going off of a VERY limited knowledge base of what this girl is like and what her interests really are. So take a step back, regroup, re-read all of these rules, collect your nerve, and LEARN TO TALK TO HER LIKE A MAN.
For all you normal guys out there, this rule still very much applies to you. DO NOT buy anything for a girl you like until she agrees to go on a date with you. Honestly, you're going to keep blowing money on her if you don't even know whether or not she likes you!? That's ridiculous! Wait until she says "Yes," then REWARD her for making good choices with a free meal.
And girls, don't be douchettes about this either. Don't let a man keep buying you things if you don't like him. You're accepting gifts for existing, and that makes you worse than a whore. At least whores WORK for a living.
Which brings me to the one exception to this rule. The only time a single guy may give the single girl he likes a gift is on her birthday. (This is also the only time it's ok for anyone to get gifts for just existing. I feel this should go without saying, but I said it anyway.) HOWEVER, that gift BETTER be $15 or less. Maybe $20 if it's a really cool gift. And NO JEWELRY. That's just weird.
(If you live in rich society, this rule may not apply. Spending money may be the only way ya'll know how to communicate.)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Rule 11: BE ALOOF.
"Aloof" is seriously one of my favorite words. Not only is it hilarious to say out loud (especially in various accents), it is almost guaranteed to get you the girl.
Some fancy-pants phrase-coiner (probably Shakespeare) once said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." For those who don't believe in any language other than Amer'can, this loosely translates to: "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"
Here's the thing: human beings like attention. Some even constantly NEED attention (i.e.: babies). There's a good chance that most people would rather have attention than food, because attention is just a few levels away from LOOOVE. This is why kids who get picked on at school will keep trying to hang out with those that pick on him: negative attention is better than no attention at all.
So it makes perfect sense that when one of us peoples does not receive attention when we feel we completely deserve it, we will slowly start to freak out. We will even change the circumstances within our environment more and more until that attention is bestowed upon us.
THEREFORE, if you (a guy) are interested in a female (a girl) and want her to be interested in you back, you need to NOT talk to her.
That's right, punk. See, YOUR tendency will be to try to spend every waking moment with this girl, because hey, you really like her. I understand where you're coming from, but this plan will totally backfire on you. You will smother her. Instead, take this approach: Introduce yourself, be charming and friendly, then make yourself SPARSE. You want to be like a magical creature that randomly graces her with your presence. But less gay-sounding.
This is especially the case once you get her to go on a date with you. I have it on good authority from one of my favorite lady-friends that The Three Day Rule for calling women is absolutely true: "A woman's interest for a guy lasts exactly 72 hours. She'll be dying for you to call her right up until that point, but after that, she'll be completely over you."
I know this seems like a form of abuse or neglect, but as previously mentioned in the 3rd Natural Law, and as will be mentioned in a future case study, most women like to be mistreated. And besides, we ALL want that which we can't have.
This scenario gets more precarious the hotter the girl is. She's more likely to get more infuriated when you don't give her enough attention, but she's also more likely to move on quicker. As in all things, it's important to find a balance. I trust you'll be able to figure this out for yourselves.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
(GUEST) CASE STUDY 1: Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Watching Jersey Shore
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"All that glitters is not gold." (A man said that. We know this because if a woman had said it, she would have added, "it may also be diamond.") This is the concept behind today's lesson, and it's one that many a manly man struggle with.
For those who aren't familiar with the Facts of Life (i.e.: recluses, monkeys, and british people), men are drawn to shiny objects. Jeff Foxworthy, Mustache God, elaborated upon this phenomenon as to how it pertained to rednecks and their fascination with aluminum boats. By his definition, the dimmer a person is, the more drawn he will be to shiny objects. That's called physics, son.
This applies to women as well. Women love jewelry because it sparkles, but they also love it because they know that men love jewelry on women. We see these trinkets and are lured to them like chub to the angler fish. Once some really smart chicks started making dresses out of reflective material and putting glitter in makeup... I mean, honestly, guys don't stand a chance now.
But sparkliness is not just skin-deep! Some women even have sparkly personalities! These are the chicks who know how to flirt and bat their eyes and have a good time at parties. Men love these chicks. They're fun and exciting. These are the kinds of chicks that men crowd around and fight over. These are the kinds of chicks that YOU want under your arm.
Well, you shouldn't.
See, it's not exactly easy for girls to be that shiny. It takes hard work, practice, and probably a lot of money. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the women who put on that layer of perfect makeup, sport the latest fashions, drive the cutest cars, tan religiously, AND maintain a rockin figure have devoted so much time and energy into their appearance that all other aspects of their humanity were ultimately neglected.
Translation: These chicks are BORES. They have NOTHING interesting to offer other than how they look. You guys may find it fun to be flirted with, but once you realize that's the deepest your conversations will ever get, it'll get old REAL fast.
But what do we men do? We stick it out! We'll sit and listen to these girls talk about what they bought at the mall, or who they saw talking to who(m?), or how wasted they got at the last party they went to, until we want to gnaw our own ears off, but we KEEP COMING BACK!
Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US!?
Shiny objects inhibit our capacity to think. Shiny girls are so visually stimulating that our eyes trick our brains into thinking that's all the stimulation we really need, but in truth, if you're looking for an acquaintanceship that at least could be fulfilling, you've got to got to GOT to go deeper.
Men, I beseech you to save yourselves from this trap. I would go so far as to tell you to completely avoid this girl when you see her at social gatherings and seek out the wallflower. You'll most likely have a delightful conversation with her about something moderately interesting (maybe... books?), and the best part is, you'll have little to no competition due to the fact that every other guy is drooling over the gorgeous empty shell of a female taking jello shots.
Monday, September 20, 2010
When do you want her?
BEFORE I DIE!!!
You know it. I know it. All your friends know it, because it's all you ever flippin talk about. "Check out that chick!" "I wanna get with that chick!" "Dude, is that a chick or just a really pretty guy?" Granted, hairy, manly, barrel-chested men are supposed to desire females; YOU just happen to do it more than everyone you know. That makes you a freak of nature. So sorry.
But honestly, this wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that this constant desire makes you STUPID. That's why you need this rule.
RULE 9: CUT YOUR LOSSES.
They say that hope springs eternal. No matter how much doom looms overhead, there will always be the faintest spark egging us on, keeping us going. It is this spark that has kept humanity from just completely giving up and going extinct for eons.
However, if you ask a girl out and she turns you down, that hope needs to die. You need to stab it in the back, twist the knife, and watch it slowly bleed out as a smile creeps across your face, because if you let it live, it will make you KEEP COMING BACK TO HER FOREVER. You'll never give up. You'll always think you may still have a chance if you try a little harder or change your personality, but that's wrong. She'll never like you. You need to get over her, and the only way to do that is to get her out of your life. And honestly, why would you want to keep hanging out with someone that constantly reminds you of your failures?
If straight-up cutting her out of your life isn't really an option (i.e.: she's a part of your friend group), then you need to employ my patented 5 STAGES OF REJECTION!!! It's just like the 5 Stages of Grief, but backwards.
ACCEPTANCE - "That's cool. I can't change people's feelings."
DEPRESSION - "Seriously, though, why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me?"
BARGAINING - "Maybe I can change her mind if I changed x and y."
ANGER - "She's stupid for not liking me!"
DENIAL - "Whatever, I never liked her anyway. She was always just a friend."
With practice, eventually, you'll be able to go through this process within a few short hours or less! I find it helps to find a flaw in her personality (and trust me, she DOES have one) and focus on it until it's all you can think about when you see her.
"But what if she's just got a boyfriend? Couldn't I try to wait it out or steal her away?" Well, no. Listen to this guy.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Just because a girl likes another guy does NOT mean you should give up on her. If you follow the theory of the Like Chain, it's possible that this other guy is attracted to a completely different caliber of chick than the one that currently likes him. It's EVEN possible that she is interested in both of you equally and is just waiting for one of you to MAKE THE MOVE!!!
So really, Law 2 is only good for providing solace after a failed dating attempt. You are NOT allowed to use it as an excuse to back down from pursuing a chick. Natural Laws are what ARE; Rules are what you must DO. Therefore, follow Rule 3 and GO FOR IT, PANSY!!!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"We kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."
These, as we all know, were the infamous words sung by the ridiculous pop sensation Ke$ha, and they hit some of us men very close to home. Any rational human being, upon first hearing those lyrics, would immediately cry shenanigans. Mick Jagger is the opposite of sex appeal. Just seeing a photo of him has caused some women to go sterile. But although Ke$ha is contractually obligated to be merely a caricature of a drunken party slut, her attraction to this old rock star is not too far off-base from reality.
Rock stars are notorious for being unsightly. Their muscles may be atrophied; their hair may be mangy; their clothes may be tattered, spikey, or just generally unprofessional-looking; their face may look like it was once beaten with a crowbar. In fact, when rock stars don't look like this, we tend to consider them "posers" (unless they sound like Weezer). Yet HOW MANY TIMES have we seen mind-blowingly cute girls in the arms of these Dwellers of the Night?
We He-Men often get very jealous of these types. We, who try to work out and maintain proper hygiene, will always be 1-upped by any band member. Why? CUZ THEY HAVE SKILLS!
RULE 8: GET A SKILL.
Instrument skills are by far the most awesome skills to have, the awesomest of all being guitar skills, because you can't carry a piano or drum set around with you very easily. (Also, it's kinda phallic.) Tell us about it, Joe!
One time, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a bro during a big conference. We were jamming out on our guitars and getting really into it, and two cute girls walked up to us and said "Hey, you guys are awesome! Wanna play Apples to Apples?" SO WE DID. We never would have even been NOTICED had we not been playing guitars.
Ok, right now you may be trying to think of good skills you already possess, like Meat-Grilling Skills, Job-Hunting Skills, Computer-Hacking Skills, etc. Those are all well and good, BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET YOU A CHICK. Those are what we consider Neutral Skills.
For your reference, we have listed some skills within their respective categories:
- Playing a musical instrument (especially phallic ones)
- Being appropriately funny within various venues
- Making eye contact
- Not trembling when you finally get the nerve to talk to her
- Maintaining a steady job
- Being good-looking
- Having good hygiene (FUTURE CASE STUDY!!!)
- Talking about yourself
- Being REALLY good at video games (that aren't on the Wii)
- Sharing your feelings (Honestly, if girls really wanted a guy that did that, they'd just date other girls. Then every girl would be a lesbian, and the entire male population would be either wiped out or turned into eunuch slaves they'd keep around in case something mechanical brakes or a small animal needs killing. Wars and international tension would most likely be neutralized so every woman in the world could go shopping together. Everyone would get along because there'd be no male affection to compete for. We'd have a completely utopian society... BUT AT WHAT COST???)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.
You see, since females are in a perpetual state of thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")
Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)
How does this work? Because all the while, you were CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)
For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Look at this picture.
Source: xkcd.com (I’m pretty sure the author of the site is a certified genius, and probably one of the manliest men I’ve never met.)
Put on your face mask, because here comes some hard-hitting statistical analysis.
Imagine the girl you are currently fixated upon, whether it be the girl across the lunch room you’ve been dying to talk to, the girl sitting a few chairs down in your Gen Ed science class, or the girl in your friend group that you’ve never quite gotten up the gumption to tell how you feel. Now look back at the picture. We here at RTDGB don’t necessarily promote casual physical relationships (We don’t?), but for the sake of argument, change “kissed her” to “told her how I feel.” (Or don’t. You fox.)
Now think about that girl again. She’s beautiful isn’t she? The way the light plays across her face as the sun sets. That funny look she gets when she’s concentrating. Her intoxicating aroma that makes your heart skip a beat…or two…or three…
Did you just have a heart attack?
No, I’m good... Wait, what were we talking about again?
Oh yeah! Now why haven’t you said anything to her yet? Can you think of a reason that doesn’t begin with “Uuuuuh….uuuuuuummmmmmm….weeeeeeelll…..”? I didn’t think so.
Do you want me to tell you why she hasn’t said yes to you yet? Go look in the mirror.
Seriously, go do it. I’ll wait.
You thought I was kidding didn't you? Seriously...go do it.
Alright, did you see that handsome guy in there? The reason she's not with you is because that guy didn't ask her.
Have I ever told you how I feel about coffee? I hate it. Why? It’s the bitter taste. Every time I take a sip, I remember a different regret in my life. That team I didn’t try out for, the girl I didn’t ask to the prom, (that time you didn’t give me five bucks,) you get the idea. Coffee is the taste of broken dreams, of unrequited love…
the taste of ‘almost’.
No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s still that tinge of sadness that lurks towards the end of the taste, waiting to remind you of all your shortcomings, of all the times you didn’t measure up. That’s why I drink Mountain Dew instead. It’s caffeinated AND delicious!
I had a dream a couple weeks ago. In the dream I saw a girl…THE girl. She was walking alone at night, under the street lamps. I don’t know where she was going.
I wanted to call out to her. It was dark, she shouldn’t be walking alone!
I said nothing…and then...she was gone.
I woke up.
I tasted coffee that morning.
So all of this rambling leads to the point: See the numbers in that picture? That’s almost an 8 ½ to 1 ratio of “should” to “shouldn’t.” That’s why Rule 2 is MAN UP AND GO FOR IT. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t say something to her. There’s no reason why you should continue to let her walk alone. Even if she shoots you down in a horrible fiery explosion, the reward always outweighs the risk.
pictured: Not what will happen to you.
So what are you waiting for? Do it! You’ll never have to wonder about what might have happened. You’ll never have to know that you COULD have, but didn’t. You’ll know that it didn’t work because it didn’t work. You’ll know that now you can move on, and taste the sweet Mountain Dew of Contentment, and not the bitter Coffee of Regret.
It mocks your failure
Friday, July 30, 2010
I'm back, ho-bags!!! You thought RTDGB had given up on you, didn't you? You thought you'd be alone and confused for the rest of your life because you were such a sad-sack that we couldn't even stand to look at your dumb face. WELL, WE ALMOST DID! But then our friends Josh and Shane were like, "No, seriously, guys. Y'all have a gift. It's your duty to help this derelict world of ours. With great power comes great responsibility." And we were like "ok FINE!"
But then Keeg and Joe wouldn't write anything. So I'ma step up to the plate and knock this one out of the park.
Oh goodness, does this law ever suck. Whenever you like a girl, but she likes someone else, this law is there. When you make a total wreck out of your first date, this law is there. When you think everything is going more awesomely that you've ever been able to make it go, but the girl suddenly has no more time for you, THIS LAW IS THERE. It is the Gary Oak of dating. (Future Rule: Pokémon is awesome.)
This is Murphy's Dating Law: Anything that can possibly go wrong, does.
I came to know this law after several failed attempts to get with several different chicks (who, in retrospect, were not nearly awesome enough to handle me (Future Law!)). Most every time, the female was not interested in me because she had higher prospects in the works. AT THE SAME TIME, there would always be another less appealing female that would foil (in the literary sense) the other chick's actions by liking me way more than I ever wanted to like her. I call this the Like Chain, and it works as follows:
Friday, July 23, 2010
Why: You’re eating a GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST with the woman of your dreams (probably Erin Andrews)
Really, do you have to question this call? You’re eating reasonably priced food with a hot girl. It’s like winning the Super Bowl with minimal effort. She’s even looking at your obviously chiseled chest. How could this possibly go bad?
And that’s when you realize you only have one piece of bacon left on your plate.
Your eyes make contact. She makes eyes like that cute puppy you saw on Animal Planet while trying to find Sports Center.
She wants your last piece of bacon.
You decide to give it to her.
It is a universal truth that MEN NEED BACON.
That hot girl sitting across the table knows YOU NEED BACON. This is a test.
Letting her have the last piece of bacon is like EATING A SALAD AT A STEAKHOUSE WITH LOW FAT RANCH YOU PANSY.
And she knows this.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?!
YOU TAKE THAT PIG SKIN (literally) AND RUN WITH IT. YOU NEED BACON.
Here is an analogy to help you remember:
AMOUNT OF BACON CONSUMED = AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE EXUBERATED
By eating the last piece of bacon you understand your natural role as a man and what a man must do to survive. This, in turn, is attractive to the female race and may even lead to mating. (after marriage of course)
If every man let their girlfriend eat the last piece of bacon there would be NO MEN LEFT AND THEREFORE THE HUMAN RACE DIES OUT.
So be a man of confidence. Enjoy your breakfast of champions. The survival of the human race is depending on it.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
If so, Keeganomics ™ has got you covered! Using HARD HITTING statistical analysis, RECESSION BUSTING observational skills, and THE WISDOM OF COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE, I will help YOU to bust out of the DUST BOWL OF LOVE! Yes friend, it’s time for a NEW DEAL OF LOVE! It’s time to stop the Great Depression and burst into the ROARING 20’s! …OF LOVE!!!
(what’s that you say? The Depression came AFTER the Roaring 20’s?....oh…uuuuuuuh…well…I was speaking figuratively of course…Wait! I got it!)
It’s time to bust out of the Great Depression and into the ROARING 20’s OF LOVE in a mind blowing reversal of history. Keeganomics™ is so effective, it can reverse even the worst of fortunes*
pictured: greatest thing ever
And so friends, join us as our collective experience TRICKLES DOWN to you!!! Turn that market not into a bear market, not into a bull market, but into a RAPTOR JESUS MARKET!!!
*Keeganomics™ cannot reverse the actual Great Depression