Sunday, August 29, 2010

Rule 7: Accept Failure

Song of the Day: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

Rule of the Day: ACCEPT FAILURE.

This is going to be my least sarcastic post ever. Usually, your guys need the sense beat into you, but this is a sensitive subject.

We've all been there before... You put your heart on the line and shared your feelings for a girl, and she shoots you down. She doesn't even care that sharing feelings is like, the HARDEST THING any man can do (mainly because sometimes we don't have any). SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE that she could get a FREE MEAL out of you! She's already decided that she's better than you and doesn't want to give you a chance.


I mean, come on. There are 6.8 Billion people in the world and 300 Million people in the United States. HALF of them are chicks. Folks are constantly shuffling around looking for love, because NO ONE wants to be alone. The odds are in our favor.

And besides that...

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!* (There's even a website about it.)

Here is the sure-fire, 100% way to get over a girl: If you tell a chick you like her, and she doesn't return the sentiment, you now know that she OBVIOUSLY has bad taste, and getting to know her would probably bore you to tears eventually. Believe me, the ONLY reason a girl is not in your arms right now is because none of the girls you currently know are awesome enough for you. As great as Non-Committal Make-Outs are, compatibility always makes it like, a buh-trillion times more greater.

So make "I AM AWESOME" your mantra. Never let yourself forget it. Our friend The Wanderer put it very eloquently once: "The goal is really just to not fail at least once." (He's married.)

*In order to be completely sure you are awesome, first ask yourself these questions:

- Do I strive for quality in everything I do?
- Do I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at?
- Do I focus on refining and using my strengths and skills, but still try to improve in my weaker areas?
- Am I kind to people when it doesn't matter?

If so, then congratulations!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Rule 6: Don't Be "The Third Wheel!"

I had a different Rule in mind for today, but "Free Falling" was playing on the radio on my way to work, and it put me in the mood for this one:


Believe it or not, there once was a time when I was not awesome. It was a long long long time ago, but it did happen. However, I eventually learned from my mistakes and rose like a phoenix from the ashes so that I may offer others the wisdom from my (very few) mistakes.

Why? Because I care.

During this Dark Age of my existence, I spent the majority of my time with one of my very best friends and his girlfriend. We ate together, cruised together, went to the movies together... we were practically inseparable. Only after he broke up with her did it occur to me how awkward our relationship was...

I was the tagalong. They always invited me, but that's irrelevant. What was really happening was that they were dating, and I was spectating.

The term "Third Wheel" originated from the term "Fifth Wheel," an object which, on any form of transportation, would be considered USELESS until a blowout occurred and a SPARE was required. (You can take that extended metaphor however you want.) Similarly, there are only two vehicle types that effectively utilize three wheels: the tricycle/big wheel design (which are for dumb kids who have no balance) and some foreign/experimental cars (which are for no one).

Don't do this to yourself. You're wasting your time. If you want to hang out with the guy, schedule some Guy Time. You're never gonna have 1-on-1 time with the girl, and you shouldn't want any, either (unless that's one of the main reason you keep hanging out with them, in which case, just cut yourself loose from them until you get your priorities straightened out).

Once, I scheduled a lunch-date with a lady-friend just to catch up and hang out. A couple hours before we were to meet, she asked if her boyfriend could come along. Sure, he and I were friends, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER! She had turned a casual friend-date into a date-with-a-tagalong. I informed her of this and refused to meet her. And I never saw her again.

She acted hurt, but she knew what she had done. She snuck him into the event, because she wanted to be with him more than me. Never allow yourself to fall into this trap, because the couple will always prefer each other's company over you.

And honestly, can you blame them? They get to make out with each other.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Rule 5: Get Muscles

I woke up this morning to "Centerfold" on the radio. My week has started off right, and now, so will yours.


This is by far the easiest thing you could do to start making yourself more appealing to the lady-types. In many scenarios, women will seem completely uninterested in men in general. This usually comes from them being burned one too many times (by fault of their own poor choices of men to date). They'll constantly say things like, "I'm through with men! They're all such pigs! All they care about is my body!"

But what happens when a musclebound male walks up to them and strikes up a conversation? They go silly! At that moment, all they care about IS HIS BODY. I've seen this happen to the prudest of prudes. Biceps are to women what boobs are to men. Girls act like and say they don't care about physical appearance, but this is just a lie they tell to try to protect your fragile ego, you girly-man.

So seriously, hit the gym. If you're in high school or college, you probably could access their for free. Search the interwebs for good workout routines, and find the one that's right for you. Once you start, you'll look better and feel healthier, and that will give you CONFIDENCE. (Oh snap, it's Law 3.)

Also, always take a bro for moral support. If you go to the gym by yourself, you might become addicted. You'll start slipping into an obsession of constantly working out just to make yourself feel better. And that's masturbation. "Self-improvement" is an oxymoron; we can only grow as individuals through interacting with people who care about us.

Ugh... I need to end this more sarcastically than that...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

3rd Natural Law: CONFIDENCE.

Before we continue, I feel that I must clarify how important these Rules and Natural Laws are. You need to get it through your head right now that if you don't respect or follow them, you will die alone. Period. The order in which we present them is irrelevant; You need to consider them ALL to be #1.

So when I tell you that this next Law is THE MOST ball-crushingly important Law I could present to you, that merely means that you need to know it. Except you need to know ALL of them. Because they're ALL the most important. (Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's impossible to argue against a closed loop when you're outside of it. Try it! It's tons of fun!)


That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's
one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.

You see, since females are in a perpetual state of
thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")

BUT!... Guess what the most pivotal factor within that formula is? If you said "acting like a douche," you'd technically be right, because what you consider to be douchebaggery is actually what women call CONFIDENCE.

Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)

How does this work? Because all the while, you were
CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)

However, there is a fine line between the two, in the same way that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. For instance, you can make all the guys around you look like pansies by besting them with your athletic prowess or rapier wit, then laughing in their faces at how inferior they are, but you can't punch them. Girls consider that to be brutish and unattractive for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it either.

The biggest obstacle of this Law is that confidence cannot be faked. You just have to have it. You may act confident by telling a girl that you've had a crush on her for months and would love the chance to try to make her happy by being the best boyfriend ever, but all that is is sweet. You think that would make her love you because girls LOVE sweet, but sweet doesn't help perpetuate the species, doily-cake. Sweet animals get killed by CONFIDENT animals. CONFIDENCE is instinctually appealing because it makes the species SURVIVE, and natural instinct ALWAYS trumps good judgment and personal happiness.

For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.


Thursday, August 5, 2010


Think fast, douchefags! This is The Wanderer, coming at you with a special guest rule! Now, as a man with multiple months of marital experience, I’m about to give you some advice about women that will seem both highly counter-intuitive and (initially) totally un-manly. But, I promise it’ll all make sense when I’m done. So, hang on to your butts and get ready to dive in:


Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Josh, I’m the manliest man who ever punched a bear in the face while jumping a motorcycle across the Grand Canyon blindfolded. I’ve got so much testosterone in me that there’s a bidding war to bottle my sweat as an ultra-energy drink. And, because of all that manly testosterone, I could never let someone else win at something. I once broke my three year-old nephew’s leg because it looked like he might beat me in a game of hopscotch. How could I ever be enough of a sissy to LET HER WIN?!”

Just calm down there, Hulk Schwarzenegger-Norris, because I’m gonna let you know exactly why you should let her win.

Women like to argue. A lot. Not to say that dudes can’t argue. A heated debate on a topic of importance (cars, superheroes, Star Trek vs. Star Wars, boobs vs. butts, etc.) is one of the manliest activities there is. But, it’s important to remember that arguing with a woman is nothing like debating with a man. When you argue with a woman, things like common sense, logic, and reality don’t matter in the least. The only thing that matters to a woman in an argument is that she’s right. Always.

And that is where we come to the heart of the issue: relationships are war. And, as some dead Chinese guy said, “All warfare is based on deception.” Every argument you have is a battle, and it is a battle you can win. But the way to win an argument with a woman is by not arguing.

Confused yet? Good. You should be.

We win arguments with women in the same way that you survive a bear attack: curl up into a ball, play dead, and wait for the bear to get tired of mauling you and leave. In the same way, you win arguments with women by agreeing with whatever insanity comes out of her mouth. Because then she’ll like you. And let you touch her.

And that, gentlemen, is a true victory.

Guest Rule brought to you by Josh of Wandering Above the Sea of Fog and Rules to Live Your Life By.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

From the desk of Keeganomics™-Statistical Analysis: Risk/Reward (Rule 3)

Friends, we here at RTDGB have had a decidedly “manly” tone in our previous posts. And in the interest of making sure that you (the reader) don’t get the wrong idea about our (generally satirical) viewpoints, I think it would be beneficial to take a somewhat more conversational approach in this post. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo here goes….

Look at this picture.

Source: (I’m pretty sure the author of the site is a certified genius, and probably one of the manliest men I’ve never met.)

Put on your face mask, because here comes some hard-hitting statistical analysis.
Imagine the girl you are currently fixated upon, whether it be the girl across the lunch room you’ve been dying to talk to, the girl sitting a few chairs down in your Gen Ed science class, or the girl in your friend group that you’ve never quite gotten up the gumption to tell how you feel. Now look back at the picture. We here at RTDGB don’t necessarily promote casual physical relationships (We don’t?), but for the sake of argument, change “kissed her” to “told her how I feel.” (Or don’t. You fox.)

Now think about that girl again. She’s beautiful isn’t she? The way the light plays across her face as the sun sets. That funny look she gets when she’s concentrating. Her intoxicating aroma that makes your heart skip a beat…or two…or three…

Did you just have a heart attack?

No, I’m good... Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh yeah! Now why haven’t you said anything to her yet? Can you think of a reason that doesn’t begin with “Uuuuuh….uuuuuuummmmmmm….weeeeeeelll…..”? I didn’t think so.

Do you want me to tell you why she hasn’t said yes to you yet? Go look in the mirror.

Seriously, go do it. I’ll wait.
You thought I was kidding didn't you? Seriously...go do it.
Alright, did you see that handsome guy in there? The reason she's not with you is because that guy didn't ask her.

Have I ever told you how I feel about coffee? I hate it. Why? It’s the bitter taste. Every time I take a sip, I remember a different regret in my life. That team I didn’t try out for, the girl I didn’t ask to the prom, (that time you didn’t give me five bucks,) you get the idea. Coffee is the taste of broken dreams, of unrequited love…

the taste of ‘almost’.

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s still that tinge of sadness that lurks towards the end of the taste, waiting to remind you of all your shortcomings, of all the times you didn’t measure up. That’s why I drink Mountain Dew instead. It’s caffeinated AND delicious!

I had a dream a couple weeks ago. In the dream I saw a girl…THE girl. She was walking alone at night, under the street lamps. I don’t know where she was going.
I wanted to call out to her. It was dark, she shouldn’t be walking alone!
I said nothing…and then...she was gone.
I woke up.

I tasted coffee that morning.

So all of this rambling leads to the point: See the numbers in that picture? That’s almost an 8 ½ to 1 ratio of “should” to “shouldn’t.” That’s why Rule 2 is MAN UP AND GO FOR IT. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t say something to her. There’s no reason why you should continue to let her walk alone. Even if she shoots you down in a horrible fiery explosion, the reward always outweighs the risk.

pictured: Not what will happen to you.

So what are you waiting for? Do it! You’ll never have to wonder about what might have happened. You’ll never have to know that you COULD have, but didn’t. You’ll know that it didn’t work because it didn’t work. You’ll know that now you can move on, and taste the sweet Mountain Dew of Contentment, and not the bitter Coffee of Regret.

It mocks your failure