Saturday, October 23, 2010

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

I just downed a fried egg cheeseburger. I'm feeling especially manly right now.

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

"Aloof" is seriously one of my favorite words. Not only is it hilarious to say out loud (especially in various accents), it is almost guaranteed to get you the girl.

Some fancy-pants phrase-coiner (probably Shakespeare) once said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." For those who don't believe in any language other than Amer'can, this loosely translates to: "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"

Here's the thing: human beings like attention. Some even constantly NEED attention (i.e.: babies). There's a good chance that most people would rather have attention than food, because attention is just a few levels away from LOOOVE. This is why kids who get picked on at school will keep trying to hang out with those that pick on him: negative attention is better than no attention at all.

So it makes perfect sense that when one of us peoples does not receive attention when we feel we
completely deserve it, we will slowly start to freak out. We will even change the circumstances within our environment more and more until that attention is bestowed upon us.

THEREFORE, if you (a guy) are interested in a female (a girl) and want her to be interested in you back, you need to NOT talk to her.

That's right, punk. See, YOUR tendency will be to try to spend every waking moment with this girl, because hey,
you really like her. I understand where you're coming from, but this plan will totally backfire on you. You will smother her. Instead, take this approach: Introduce yourself, be charming and friendly, then make yourself SPARSE. You want to be like a magical creature that randomly graces her with your presence. But less gay-sounding.

This is especially the case once you get her to go on a date with you. I have it on good authority from one of my favorite lady-friends that The Three Day Rule for calling women is absolutely true: "A woman's interest for a guy lasts exactly 72 hours. She'll be
dying for you to call her right up until that point, but after that, she'll be completely over you."

I know this seems like a form of abuse or neglect, but as previously mentioned in the
3rd Natural Law, and as will be mentioned in a future case study, most women like to be mistreated. And besides, we ALL want that which we can't have.

This scenario gets more precarious the hotter the girl is. She's more likely to get more infuriated when you don't give her enough attention, but she's
also more likely to move on quicker. As in all things, it's important to find a balance. I trust you'll be able to figure this out for yourselves.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

(GUEST) CASE STUDY 1: Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Watching Jersey Shore

The Wanderer's back to drop some more knowledge on you douche nozzles!  A great philosopher once said, “You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

Let me break this down for those of you from places not quite as classy as New Jersey.  This quote is from a man who calls himself “The Situation” and “stars” (I use the term very loosely) on MTV’s reality show/sociology dissertation Jersey Shore, and translates into English roughly as “You need to be maximally desirable to the opposite sex by working out all the time, maintaining a year-round permaorange tan, and making sure your clothes are clean in order to be found attractive and find girls who are willing to engage in sexual intercourse in Miami, FL…say that 5 times fast.”

Jersey Shore is what would happen if you gave monkeys at the zoo steroids, an unlimited supply of alcohol, and a hot tub.  I find the show utterly repulsive and unbearably fascinating.  Watching Jersey Shore is like watching a drunken bear ride a unicycle through a ring of fire: you’re not really sure how it happened, you’re almost entirely certain it’s going to end poorly, and yet you can’t help but watch.  I think the cast of Jersey Shore could keep the world’s finest physicists, sociologists, psychologists, grammaticians, and biologists busy for decades (The physicists would work on equations for how their hair stays so big and rigid, the sociologists would study their behavior patterns, the psychologists would delve deep into the twisted inner workings of their minds, the grammaticians would analyze every ridiculous word that comes out of their mouths, and the biologists would attempt to solve the mystery of how human beings can build up such high levels of tolerance to fake tanning products, alcohol, and toxic hairspray fumes).

The men of Jersey Shore are practically dripping with the Third Natural Law, and, thanks to years of anabolic steroids, have gained the skills that come with Rule 5 with little to no effort.  We can laugh all we want, but these men are being paid to live a life dedicated to pure, unadulterated hedonism.  What man wouldn’t want that?

So, fellas, brush up on your GTL.  Stay hella FTD.  And, if you’re ever in the MIA…I don’t recommend trying to pick up the girls who are DTF (Clap on, clap off.  Clap on, clap off…venereal disease!), but you could always find a grenade who’s DTS.  (Here's a decoder for those of you not hip to the lingo.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

RULE 10: Don't Date Pretty

I'm taking a quick break from bear-wrestling to deliver some more truth directly to your face.


"All that glitters is not gold." (A man said that. We know this because if a woman had said it, she would have added, "it may also be diamond.") This is the concept behind today's lesson, and it's one that many a manly man struggle with.

For those who aren't familiar with the Facts of Life (i.e.: recluses, monkeys, and british people), men are drawn to shiny objects. Jeff Foxworthy, Mustache God, elaborated upon this phenomenon as to how it pertained to rednecks and their fascination with aluminum boats. By his definition, the
dimmer a person is, the more drawn he will be to shiny objects. That's called physics, son.

This applies to women as well. Women love jewelry because it sparkles, but they also love it because they know that men love jewelry
on women. We see these trinkets and are lured to them like chub to the angler fish. Once some really smart chicks started making dresses out of reflective material and putting glitter in makeup... I mean, honestly, guys don't stand a chance now.

But sparkliness is not just skin-deep! Some women even have sparkly 
personalities! These are the chicks who know how to flirt and bat their eyes and have a good time at parties. Men love these chicks. They're fun and exciting. These are the kinds of chicks that men crowd around and fight over. These are the kinds of chicks that YOU want under your arm.

Well, you shouldn't.

See, it's not exactly easy for girls to be that shiny. It takes hard work, practice, and probably a lot of money. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the women who put on that layer of perfect makeup, sport the latest fashions, drive the cutest cars, tan religiously, AND maintain a rockin figure have devoted so much time and energy into their appearance that all other aspects of their humanity were ultimately neglected.

Translation: These chicks are BORES. They have NOTHING interesting to offer other than how they look. You guys may find it fun to be flirted with, but once you realize that's the deepest your conversations will ever get, it'll get old REAL fast.

But what do we men do?
We stick it out! We'll sit and listen to these girls talk about what they bought at the mall, or who they saw talking to who(m?), or how wasted they got at the last party they went to, until we want to gnaw our own ears off, but we KEEP COMING BACK!


Shiny objects inhibit our capacity to think. Shiny girls are so visually stimulating that our eyes trick our brains into thinking that's all the stimulation we really need, but in truth, if you're looking for an acquaintanceship that at least
could be fulfilling, you've got to got to GOT to go deeper.

Men, I beseech you to save yourselves from this trap. I would go so far as to tell you to completely avoid this girl when you see her at social gatherings and seek out the wallflower. You'll most likely have a delightful conversation with her about something moderately interesting (maybe... books?), and the best part is, you'll have little to no competition due to the fact that every other guy is drooling over the gorgeous empty shell of a female taking jello shots.