Friday, July 30, 2010

2nd Natural Law: MURPHY!


I'm back, ho-bags!!! You thought RTDGB had given up on you, didn't you? You thought you'd be alone and confused for the rest of your life because you were such a sad-sack that we couldn't even stand to look at your dumb face. WELL, WE ALMOST DID! But then our friends
Josh and Shane were like, "No, seriously, guys. Y'all have a gift. It's your duty to help this derelict world of ours. With great power comes great responsibility." And we were like "ok FINE!"

But then Keeg and Joe wouldn't write anything. So I'ma step up to the plate and knock this one out of the park.

Oh goodness, does this law ever suck. Whenever you like a girl, but she likes someone else, this law is there. When you make a total wreck out of your first date, this law is there. When you think everything is going more awesomely that you've ever been able to make it go, but the girl suddenly has no more time for you, THIS LAW IS THERE. It is the Gary Oak of dating. (Future Rule: Pokémon is awesome.)

This is Murphy's Dating Law: Anything that can possibly go wrong, does.

I came to know this law after several failed attempts to get with several different chicks (who, in retrospect, were not nearly awesome enough to handle me (Future Law!)). Most every time, the female was not interested in me because she had higher prospects in the works. AT THE SAME TIME, there would always be another less appealing female that would foil (in the literary sense) the other chick's actions by liking me way more than I ever wanted to like her. I call this the Like Chain, and it works as follows:

- Creepy Guy likes Nerdy Girl.
- Nerdy Girl is creeped out by Creepy Guy but is heartily attracted to Artsy Guy.
- Artsy Guy thinks Nerdy Girl is irritating but thinks Cheerleader is an angel from heaven.
- Cheerleader considers Artsy Guy to be cute in a pathetic way, but it doesn't matter, because she is madly in love with her boyfriend, Quarterback.
- Quarterback thinks Cheerleader is ok, but she just doesn't understand him quite like Call of Duty does.

As you can see, there is a consistent desire for that which is beyond everyone's reach and a lack of desire for what could be easily attained. Artsy Guy could probably be very content with Nerdy Girl, but he'll never realize it with Cheerleader obstructing his vision! Usually, this chain can only be broken once someone in it dies.

So guess what? If you meet a girl and really want to ask her out after awhile, there is a 98% chance that SHE ALREADY LIKES SOMEONE ELSE and she will immediately place you in the friend category. Tough noogies.

And that's just what can go wrong BEFORE she says yes! The amount of like you have toward a girl is directly proportionate to how badly the date can go. You will spill something red on her white shirt. You will have something in your teeth all night. You will say the one thing that turns her off of you forever (and it won't even be a big issue like politics or religion; most likely, you'll make a comment about her favorite TV show (Note: Never make fun of Gilmore Girls or Grey's Anatomy) that will sour her perspective on everything you say thenceforth).

How can you prepare for this? YOU CAN'T. No amount of preparation will keep disaster from striking in some way. The only trick is to be as awesome as us, which is impossible. Even if everything goes really well, it's important to know that women change their minds like they change socks, and she may dump you just because SHE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING YOU COULD DO WRONG LATER. (Oh hey there, 1st Natural Law.)

Honestly, unless she's crazy about you, you're doomed from the start. Don't worry, though. Our future posts will teach you how to make her crazy about you.

(click click wink)

Clint, don't do that. Just... don't.

Friday, July 23, 2010

“On the Field” with Indiana Joe – Breakfast of Champions (Rule 2)


Why: You’re eating a GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST with the woman of your dreams (probably Erin Andrews)

Really, do you have to question this call? You’re eating reasonably priced food with a hot girl. It’s like winning the Super Bowl with minimal effort. She’s even looking at your obviously chiseled chest. How could this possibly go bad?

And that’s when you realize you only have one piece of bacon left on your plate.

Your eyes make contact. She makes eyes like that cute puppy you saw on Animal Planet while trying to find Sports Center.

She wants your last piece of bacon.

You decide to give it to her.


It is a universal truth that MEN NEED BACON.

That hot girl sitting across the table knows YOU NEED BACON. This is a test.

Letting her have the last piece of bacon is like EATING A SALAD AT A STEAKHOUSE WITH LOW FAT RANCH YOU PANSY.

Pictured: NOT BACON

And she knows this.



Here is an analogy to help you remember:


By eating the last piece of bacon you understand your natural role as a man and what a man must do to survive. This, in turn, is attractive to the female race and may even lead to mating. (after marriage of course)

If every man let their girlfriend eat the last piece of bacon there would be NO MEN LEFT AND THEREFORE THE HUMAN RACE DIES OUT.

No men = No reproducing = No one to eat at Denny's

So be a man of confidence. Enjoy your breakfast of champions. The survival of the human race is depending on it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

From the desk of Keeganomics™

Friends, have you been affected by a recent financial crisis… OF LOVE?!?!?!?

Where is the love?

If so, Keeganomics ™ has got you covered! Using HARD HITTING statistical analysis, RECESSION BUSTING observational skills, and THE WISDOM OF COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE, I will help YOU to bust out of the DUST BOWL OF LOVE! Yes friend, it’s time for a NEW DEAL OF LOVE! It’s time to stop the Great Depression and burst into the ROARING 20’s! …OF LOVE!!!

(what’s that you say? The Depression came AFTER the Roaring 20’s?....oh…uuuuuuuh…well…I was speaking figuratively of course…Wait! I got it!)

It’s time to bust out of the Great Depression and into the ROARING 20’s OF LOVE in a mind blowing reversal of history. Keeganomics™ is so effective, it can reverse even the worst of fortunes*

And so friends, join us as our collective experience TRICKLES DOWN to you!!! Turn that market not into a bear market, not into a bull market, but into a RAPTOR JESUS MARKET!!!

pictured: greatest thing ever

*Keeganomics™ cannot reverse the actual Great Depression

1st Natural Law: THE MIND!

Oh snap. I don't know if you're ready for this one. This is one of the most vital and fundamental (vitamental) truths, a truth that lays the foundation for all knowledge and wisdom pertaining to dude and chick. Somewhere deep inside us all, this truth has laid buried under layers of denial and prejudice, and for many, unearthing this truth will shatter the very foundation of their world and leave them in a smoldering pile of hormones and despair. Nevertheless, I must present this to you now in order to proceed with any other entries. And so, I begin...

Seriously, though. Have you seen "Inception" yet? It'll be like that. I hope you're sitting down and other people are nearby to help you recover.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" That is the number one phrase used by all humans when talking about the opposite sex (Source: Bible). We don't understand each other's habits, mannerisms, verbal cues, body language, Facebook comments, etc. I can't speak for you ladies, but we men are confused by all of the following things you do:

- Thinking You're Fat/Ugly: Men never do this. The fattest, ugliest one among us still thinks he looks like Mr. Universe when he flexes in the mirror.

- Wanting to Talk So Much: shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! IT'S THE TV'S TURN TO TALK!!!

- Loving Shoes So Much: Black and gay men are the exceptions, but for completely different reasons.

- Not Making Me a Sandwich: I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying my love is conditional.

Here is the heart of the crux of the matter. There's a reason a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from WVenus" sold a buh-million copies, and it has nothing to do with astrology or NASA: guy brains and girl brains are wired completely differently. Science has not yet come close to mapping out these differences, and all of our best guesses come from comedians.

HOWEVER! We here at Rules to Date Girls By, on that Fateful Night of Divine Inspiration, were blessed with the most simple and elegant explanation, which shall henceforth be known as THE NATURAL LAW OF THE MIND!...

Men are stupid; Women are crazy.

Now, before anyone becomes enraged because someone insulted their gender on the internet, please notice that I put both descriptors in a negative connotation to create an Equilibrium, starring Christian Bale (dumb movie, don't watch it).

You see, men don't like thinking. We do it when it's necessary, but only if there is a promise of no thinking in the future. The reason we build or create anything is to make the thinking processes simpler for the next generation (i.e.: computers, plumbing, movie plots, etc.). We solve problems now so that more problems that require thinking don't come up later.

Women, on the other hand, LOVE to think. They think about how they look, who's dating who, what they're going to eat, what their favorite Julia Roberts movie is, what their FRIENDS are thinking, what their BOYFRIENDS are thinking about (Hint: NOTHING!), and so many other non-vitamental issues. I'm pretty sure they can't even stop thinking, which is why they've developed the power of telepathy. (Women can actually share minds if conditions are right. I know this because I once got caught in a female mind stream and blacked out.) Men are jealous of this power, but it's a small price to pay for thinking less.

THEREFORE! What always happens when the two sexes interact is that women will over-think and men will under-think. When a girl likes a guy, there is a 92% chance he will not realize it. Inversely, whether or not a guy likes a girl, the girl will imagine every conceivable scenario she and he may go through, and her mind becomes so completely overwhelmed that she has to cry or buy something.

This subject will be further elaborated upon as we go through the Rules. Until then, women: be more obvious. Speak directly and bluntly and use smaller and fewer words. And men: just be paranoid of everything. Trust me, it'll work.

I really wanna go see Inception again.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"On the Field" with Indiana Joe




Let’s recap this drive for a second.

First down was a Right 76 Sweep TO THE MALL. But she brought her friends along TO SACK YOUR CONFIDENCE. Loss of 5 yards.

Second down. Screen pass to the movies. ANOTHER MAN INTERFERES AND BREAKS UP YOUR PASS. No gain.

Third down. Wideout pass to DINNER. SHE LIKES SOMEBODY ELSE. Loss of 15 yards.

It’s 4th and 20 and you are officially IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

Do you punt her away to the competition, fumble her away to a less deserving man, or do you throw a perfect Hail Mary pass to the END ZONE of her heart?!

This is a column for all those second stringers out there. All of us guys who are riding the bench in the game of dating, waiting for their shot to throw the girl-winning pass that will send the competition back to the bus OF FAILURE.

“On the Field” with Indiana Joe will use amazingly awesome sports metaphors, randomly capitalized words, and INTENSE John Madden-like play calling to get your butt off the bench and next to that awesome female girl that you secretly have had a crush on since first grade.

“On The Field” will teach you how to call an audible when conversations get tough, how to juke the defenses of OPPOSING MEN who want to tackle your confidence, and when to play it safe and kick a field goal rather than go for the emotional touchdown by a guy with ample experience as a starting quarterback in the big game of dating.


With football metaphors this good maybe they should call me Joe MONTANA.

Disclaimer: Not a real quarterback.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

RULE 1 - Don't Be "The Listener!"


You're eating lunch with a group of diverse individuals, among which is your fun and pretty girl friend/friend-girl/girl-that-is-a-friend/I-frickin'-hate-the-term-girlfriend-but-I'll-address-that-in-a-later-post. She's telling you about how she hates her new haircut or how great her shopping spree was or how her mom has no idea what she's going through or something like that. You're doing your very best to listen and react when it feels appropriate. You may have even envisioned the pink shoes she described buying for 40% off, even though most of your mental attention is being used for chewing your food. Holy cow, you are an awesome friend.

Then conversation shifts to boys. One thing leads to another, and eventually, your Chick of Significant Interest drops the name or references the visage of a guy other than you.


We have all totally been here before. (If you haven't, you're either a dirty liar or you're just too dang awesome to even be reading this. You should be writing this stuff. And playing Smash Bros with us.) You immediately become panicked and fraught with emotion, yet you have to act as bored as if they were still talking about dumb shoes, because if they saw this turmoil well up within you, they would discover your feelings for this chick that you've worked so hard to bury beneath layers of machismo, but you long for her so desperately and now you're on the verge of losing her forever. The question rings in your mind: WHAT DO I DO???

Again, STOP!!!

One of two things is happening right now:
1! The chick has no idea that you like her because she is interested in someone with more muscles/sport skills/psychological disorders than you. If events follow their natural course, odds are she will try to date this other guy, then come back to you to talk about it! Why? Because YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD LISTENER!!!

Therefore, Rule #1 is DON'T BE "THE LISTENER!"

It is clear that you are considered by this girl to be something called an "Intellectual Whore" (a term coined in 1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn after watching a movie wherein all the wives in the town are so stupid that the men hire prostitutes to have intelligent discourse with). This girl is trying to get with Mr. MuscleTard and only wants you for your ears. You are not special to her. You are one step below her gay friends.

At this point, you need to basically cut this chick loose. Talk more with your bro's at lunch, and keep your responses to her polite but succinct. Hide her from your IM, Facebook, and other social networking thingies so you don't think about her as much. Just divert as much attention away from her as you can without being rude or cold. Chances are, 86% of your brain and 10% of your body have been focused on winning this girl for a while now, and it needs to stop. You're torturing yourself, man. I have found video games to be an excellent alternative emotional outlet.

"But Wise Ones," some of you have been thinking while reading this post, "to be truly manly, shouldn't we men tune out what women say altogether?" You bring up an astute point. Most of what women say does not directly or immediately apply to us men and therefore does not need to be listened to. We have been trained through Natural Selection to listen for critical keywords, such as "naked," "trouble," and "sandwich." However, when you approach conversing with a female woman as a type of game, and listening to different topics give you different amounts of points, and racking up a certain number of points will get you a hug or date or make-out session, then it becomes a competition that you can win for yourself. And competing and winning are two very manly things.

Oh snap, I forgot the other thing that could be happening right now:
2! The chick TOTALLY KNOWS you like her and is playing MIND GAMES with you, in which case, you need to straight-up run out the door. Because you will lose that game. And losing is very not manly.

Monday, July 19, 2010

INTRO! - Friend Zone to Endzone

Hello, awesome men.

Have you ever been interested in a female woman, only to be rejected? Did this rejection then keep you up late at night wondering what you could have done wrong? Was it your offensive body odor or complete lack of clothing style that drove her away? What about that time you made eye contact with her? That might have been it.


She doesn't like you because YOU DON'T KNOW THE RULES!!!1!

Welcome to RULES TO DATE GIRLS BY, a totally legit and kick-a blogspot for dudes who struggle with the ladies. After an evening of divine inspiration filled with burritos and ice cream, writers Clintonymous, Keeganomics, and Indiana Joe dedicated their existence to discovering, defining, and distributing the most important life lessons that so many bro's don't know. We three will post a new rule every day (sometimes) so as to slowly indoctrinate you with Rules, Natural Laws, Field Experience and Life Examples that you must encounter and learn from in order to win chicks' hearts and stuff. Any dosage bigger than one post a day, and your mind would explode with truth. Many of these truths will even be applicable to all aspects of Living the Manliest Life. Many of these truths will even be so truthy that they TRANSCEND truth within the physical world to the point that they don't make sense, BUT THAT'S OK! As long as you know them, the ladies will be swooning into your arms like ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME!!!

So join us as we launch forth into the awesomanlitudosphere and become the voice of this generation of this decade.

P.S.: I'm addressing you all as "men" because this is a website by men, for men, and I have to assume that you are, in fact, a man. If you are a woman, congratulations. You are here because you want to gain insight into the male psyche, and that makes you awesome. You are the reason Gender Rights were invented. Please be impressed by our confidence and join our cause.

Disclaimer: We here at Rules to Date Girls by would like to make it known that we can in no way, shape, or form be held responsible for anything undesirable that may or may not happen as a result of you (the reader) following the advice of this blog. While these rules may reflect universal truths, we would like to acknowledge the possible relativity of some of these truths. Some of these situations and rules are theoretical and therefore cannot be predicted with 100 percent accuracy. Douche.