Friday, March 15, 2013

Rule 17: Don't Reinvent The Third Wheel

Professor Real Talk here. Class is now in session.

This one goes out to all the ladies.

Let me begin by saying that I in no way envy the situation in which y'all constantly find yourselves, namely: being asked out by the guy you just don't want to go out with. I mean, you care about his feeeelings, and if you were ever to hurt them, he would tell the whole world that you're a dirty pirate hooker full of diseases and bad manners. There's no winning.

So, you can't say "no," but... if the parameters of the date were changed somehow... perhaps if a trusted friend were with you to guard you from any advances this guy might make...

Look familiar?

Upon further review, I came to the conclusion that the Third Wheel subject needs and deserves elaboration, and I'm really proud of myself for coining this here phrase: "Reinventing the Third Wheel."

YOU SEE, ladies (or, possibly, wussy men), you have created a whole new beast of a social setting, in which three people are feeling and thinking three very different things:

Date Proposer: "I'm not getting any action tonight. This kinda sucks a lot."

Third Party: "I have to talk to this guy who's clearly frustrated for not getting any action-time with my friend. This kinda sucks a lot."

Date Victim: "I have a wonderful friend, AND I'm not getting hit on! This is awesome and totally not awkward at all!"

I hate to say it, ladies, but this scenario is far, far worse than the original, because NOW you've forced a good friend to bear YOUR bad-date burden. One might go so far as to call such actions "selfish" or "totally douchey." Men (or, possibly, cooler ladies), if the person you are soon to go on a date with pulls this on you, just WALK AWAY and save everyone the grief. Life is too damn short to spend ANY time and effort on people who don't want to be around you.

I swear to God, someday, I'm going to write a book called "How To Reject Men, and Other Things Women Are Bad At". Then, I'm going to give it to my future daughter on her 13th birthday, and I'm going to say, "Veronica Joy, I want you to read this book cover-to-cover. If you follow all of its advice, and if you survive all the way through middle school, you will have the respect of every man in the world for the rest of your life." And she'll say, "Whatever, Dad! You watch a show about magical ponies!"

Here's the thing... Men respect simplicity, honesty, and bluntness. Why? Because men are dumb. SO, when a man asks you out, and you don't want to go out with him, here are some things you could say:

"I'm sorry, I have plans that night." 
This statement does not have to be true. God will not send you to Hell for saying this. He doesn't want you to go on a bad date, either. (Honestly, neither does the guy, if he actually cares about you.)

"I'm not sure. Call me in a couple days, ok?"
This is for when the guy follows up the date proposal with a later date proposal. Now, since the date is further away, you have to check your calendar. When he calls you back, tell him you have plans then, too. After a few rounds of this, most guys will get bored and give up. (Notice that it's HIS job to call YOU back. When it's the other way around, you may accidentally take days or even weeks to get back to him, and that's hecka inconsiderate.)

"I'm gonna be honest with you. Our last date was ok, but I don't really want to spend one-on-one time with you. We might do better in a group setting."
Is that too honest? NO. It paints a very clear picture for him: he can hang out with you if he accepts the fact that he will never be alone with you again. This is the new rule. Ok.

"That seems too much like a 'date.' Could we bring friends?"
A variation of the latter, this allows for socialization within certain parameters at the GERMINATION of the proposal. This is important. It's when the rules change LATER that the guy will get frustrated and hurt, and isn't that what you're trying to avoid?

"That seems too much like a 'date,' and I don't want to go on a date with you. Why? Because I'm a human being with unique thoughts and feelings just like you, and if you actually like me as a person, you have to respect that."
Oh... Ok, then... Dang.

LADIES. It is not a bad thing to stand up for yourselves. It's 2013, for God's sake! Stop cowering and at least ACT like you have equal rights!

Expect more of me soon, douchebags.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Rule 16: Don't Be a Puppy.

Ok, here's what's up.

You're a dumb guy. You like some crazy girl. You want to get with that girl.

What's your game plan?

"Well, women want to be pursued," begins your dumb reply, "but I remember YOU saying I need to be aloof so as not to smother. Therefore, I need to pursue her in a very likeable way... I know! I'll just hang out with her over the course of a few months! I'll go to parties with her and her friends, get in with her cliques... Once she just gets to know me, she'll totally want to date me!"

Guess whatYOU'REDUMB.

I've seen enough guys mess up here that I feel Rule 11 needs some reiteration/elaboration. True, a woman needs to KNOW you to even be able to begin LIKING you (That's just simple physics.), but take a step back and look at yourself objectively. You're hanging out with this girl a lot, which means you're devoting A LOT of your valuable time to her when you're not even sure she likes you.

There's a creature in this world that follows a similar pattern of undying devotion and affection. It is called a puppy. Puppies are cute, adorable, and fun to be around... until they demand all your attention, or bark constantly, or make huge messes.

Also, no girl wants to boink a puppy.


You see, if a girl likes you, she will invite you to things. That will let you know she wants to be around you. This is your green light to ask her out. Until this happens, YOU BACK THE HECK OFF.

Ok. Time to watch Ponies.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Rule 15: Don't Let Yourself Be Used.

Sup, chumps.

I know it has been a long long time since you heard from me. Truth be told, it seemed the rage had up and left me. I just didn't have it in me to deliver the Rules to you in such a spirit that would fully communicate their importance to your dumb heads. However, it seems that a new sort of fervor has fallen upon me, and with the new year racing towards us, I feel that this particular message should be added to your resolutions:


As you may well remember, I have previously touched on how easy it is to be taken advantage of by those of the opposite sex, how there are types of individuals who feed off of the emotional strongholds they can achieve over a lover. I have also discussed those poor unfortunate souls who, out of desperation and ineptitude, attempt to buy affection. This rule falls somewhere in-between.

There are those among us who, though they never admit to it, are fully aware of these two phenomena and are able to balance theirselves betwixt them. These people are not so heartless as to lead someone on romantically, but they DO typically regard acquaintances as merely commodities at their disposal. Concordantly, These people also know their place within the social hierarchy and are able to use their very existence to get what they want from those "below" them.

You have this acquaintance. You know this acquaintance. This is your opposite-sex friend that you really don't see very often, or maybe haven't talked to in months or years. You probably had a mild (read: devastatingly blue-balling) crush on them at one point. You've been apart long enough for them to have all but left your thoughts entirely when BLIP! there they are again on your radar, asking how you're doing and what your plans are later, just chatting you up like a chattery chatterbird. Jackpot, right?


They think they can get something from you. Maybe they've started some business venture (read: ponzi scheme) and they want YOU to be on the ground floor with them. Maybe they have a really nice (read: really derpy) friend they want to set you up with. Maybe all they really need is someone smart like you to talk to, but of course you've already learned to never ever make that mistake again, right?

This really is a travesty of our society. These people are stealing your time. Your time is just as valuable as money (if not significantly more), and yet we flit it away so easily and uncaringly...

Fortunately, if you're paying attention, these cats are pretty easy to spot. Like I said, if they start talking to you out of the blue, all that's happened is their circumstances have changed. You're nothing to them. A hole has opened up, and they think you might be able to fill it, but trust me, they don't need you. They can get it filled anywhere, with anyone.


Also, HEY! Does this person already have a bf/gf, or are they openly interested in someone other than you? If so, then why are they asking YOU for help, and why are YOU giving it to them!?

Don't be a dummy. Happy New Year.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


You don’t know Jack Crap. That’s why I’m here.

I want you to think of the worst couple you know personally. You know, the couple that constantly fights in public. The couple in which one of the members cuts the other one off from all of their friends and refuses to share them with anyone. The couple in which the guy abuses the girl, talks down to her, or walks all over her, and the girl rolls over and takes it.

Did you think of them? Can you see them in your mind? Of course you can, because you see them WAY more than you ever want to. You have to suffer through their horrible life choices on a regular basis, and you’re always wondering how anyone could be so lame or stupid.

Now I want you to think of the person you’ve had that crush on for-freaking-ever. Why do you like them? Do you even KNOW anymore!? Why can’t you figure out how to quit them!?
This is a disease to which no one is immune. It is a disease of the soul, a handicap of the heart.


ksc,sncWe all have needs. It always starts innocently enough. Maybe one of us has a strong desire to take care of someone. Maybe one of us wants to date someone with a strong, passionate personality. Maybe one of us wants to feel intimacy at a level they’ve never before been able to achieve. There’s really nothing wrong with wanting these things. It takes all kinds of personalities to make the world go ‘round, and that’s totally beautiful and stuff, but these folks end up finding people with the most extreme examples of these qualities, and that’s when they become enablers, or whipped/battered, or teen-pregnant, respectively.

And the worst part of our brokenness is that there’s nothing you can do to help your friends who are suffering through it. They’ll never listen to you. They LOVE that awful person, and they’ll keep dating that awful person because that person’s behavior so perfectly fills a need, like an overdose of medicine. The only way anyone can hope to break free is from within. They have to realize how unhealthy the relationship is on their own, and that usually only happens after a tragic or traumatizing life event (i.e.: The person cheats; Someone dies).

So, if YOU have a friend who’s always cleaning their abusive or manipulative significant other’s apartment, don’t try to tell them they’re living their life in the worst possible way. Just pray something terrible happens to them. Because you’re a good friend.

Or maybe the rapture will happen and we won't have to deal with it anymore! YAY, RAPTURE!!!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

RULE 14: KNOW THYSELF (And Everyone Else)

Tonight’s rule comes from my third favorite character in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (right behind George Carlin and Napoleon): Socrates. Although he was not of noble blood and had no handicap preventing him from working, this humble Grecian spent the majority of his time basically putzing around Athens and talking to people. What made him awesome and not a bum was his innate ability to call B.S. on people. His favorite target was a league of debaters called Sophists who taught people how to win arguments through rhetoric rather than through actually being right. Socrates thought this was dumb. He set out to make every Sophist in Greece look like a total tool by debating with them until they exposed their core beliefs (which were usually pretty Weak Sauce). He was so dang good at this that the Sophists eventually put him on trial for “corrupting young people’s minds”. When found guilty and forced to choose between death and exilation, he chose death.

Why? ‘Cause this cat was REAL.

Which brings me to you. Are you real with yourself? Are you able to really recognize who you are?

Look at this picture:

This is a graphical interpretation of the social hierarchy of the typical modern American high school. The “Light” category represents the prettiest and most popular kids at school. The “Dark” category represents the counterculture, those who have been (or have felt) rejected by the mainstream world and now do their best to avoid looking anything like it. The “Left” and “Right” categories are crude representations of people’s artistic (“right-brained”) or analytical (“left-brained”) tendencies.

Now, try to put yourself on that chart. Where do you fall? Do you consider yourself popular or outcast? Are you moved by the world’s beauty all around you, or are you drawn to the nuts and bolts therein?

Now, ask yourself what your friends would put you.

Most of us find it very hard to put ourselves in boxes, and in truth, we’re such complex creatures that it’s not fair to do so. But now, consider your closest friends. Think of the people you CHOOSE to hang out with the most. If that group of people was ONE person with ONE personality, where would it go on the graph?

Above is a more elaborate version of the chart, intended to expound upon the personality types of different groups. (The theorems behind it all are rudimentary at best, but you get the idea.) The personality of a GROUP of people can be generalized very easy, because as the number of a group of people increase, the more our survival instincts will tell us to act like each other, and the strongest personalities will always lead the way.

NOW, think of the girls you’re always trying to date. Put them somewhere on the chart. Are they anywhere near you and your friends? If you’re honest with yourself, the answer is probably NO, because
you want to date someone better or more interesting than you. Well, guess what? We all do. We just can’t. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you’ll be.

If you answered YES, but you still can’t get a girlfriend, than one of two things is happening:

1) You’re wrong because you’re stupid.
2) You’re missing something important about yourself, since after all, no one can analyze theirselves unbiasedly. Maybe you’re not that popular or good-looking. Maybe you talk too much. Maybe you have anger issues that scare people away. Maybe you bring people down because you dwell on your life problems rather than allowing yourself to grow from them. MAYBE you’re wasting your life away pursuing certain kinds of women for all the wrong reasons, namely, to become something contrary to your core self.

So really, this is kind of like a meta-rule that encompasses a lot of the other rules.

What I want you to do now is go to your closest, truest, and most loving friends and ask them about yourself. Ask them what they like and don’t like about you. Ask them what kind of friendship they need from you. Tell them to be brutal, and don’t let your feelings get hurt. You need to get to know yourself and accept where you fit within the social structure. If you fight it, you’ll never find contentment.