Thursday, January 20, 2011

Rule 13: Avoid the Succubus

I prepared this one a while ago, then removed it until I could find a way to make it less depressing.

I could not.


Ancient myths tell of a woman named Lilith, Adam’s first wife before Eve. Everything was going just swimmingly for these two, until Lilith refused to be subservient to Adam. For this, she was cast out of Eden. She then had sex with the archangel Samael and became the world’s first succubus, a female demon-creature that lives off the life-breath of the men she has sex with.

Some of you readers might consider a myth like this to be misogynistic. “Why should a woman be considered evil just because she wants a little control?” you ask aloud, startling all the people that are sitting around you at Starbucks.

Because she’s doing it wrong! Women and men already have an equal balance of control over each other! Men control women EXtrinsically (“Make me a sandwich.”), and women control men INtrinsically (“Nothing’s wrong. I’m FINE!”). Lilith openly refused to submit to Adam, unlike a normal woman, who convinces a guy to do all the things she wants him to do by throwing him a bone every now and then. She wanted to dominate him inside and out, and that’s a no-no.

This character has remained archetypal in all cultures since the beginning of written word, the most modern permutation being the femme fatale (French for “deadly woman” (with probably an “au-hau-HAU!” added for good measure)). The scene is a all too familiar: A private detective in a cheap suit is working late behind the desk in his dimly-lit office overlooking a run-down city street, when in walks a gorgeous woman whose face is half-obscured by shadows and a giant hat. She asks the man to save her from a dangerous enemy with little-to-nothing to offer him in return. Like a total sap, he agrees to help her, ultimately risking his own life to stop these bad guys on the off-chance that the woman will be so grateful to him that she’ll let him touch her boobs, but GUESS WHAT HAPPENS as soon as the last criminal is shot dead or locked up? SHE RUNS OFF (most likely with someone in a rock band or biker gang) with barely a thank-you, and the man’s gloomy life returns to the status-quo.

Why has the concept of a woman completely dominating a man for personal gain using only her beauty and charm held so steadfast through the centuries? Probably because real-life examples keep popping up, like Jezebel, Cleopatra, and your 9th-Grade English teacher, to name just a few. There are succubi all around us, just waiting to pull us in, use us up, and throw us away like tissues. They can control us, and they know it.

This may just seem like an extension of the
Pretty Girl of Rule 10, but I consider these to be two completely different beings. Unlike the Pretty Girl, who is ONLY pretty, the Succubus has a much deeper and multi-faceted personality. They'll seem different from all the other girls (in that they'll have both good looks and personality AND they'll be interested in you). You’ll get to know them on a personal level, and you’ll fall completely in love with them. Then one day, if you’re lucky, a piece of her disguise will chip off, and you’ll slowly peel the rest of it away to reveal who she really is: a user. Your attention is her sustenance; she really couldn’t care less about you.

Please don’t hate these women; it’s the only way they know how to live. And please don’t hate yourself for falling for one of them; there’s no way you could’ve known. The worst part about succubi is that by the time you realize who they are, it’s too late. You've wasted a chunk of your life chasing after her affection with no reward to speak of. As you look back, you’ll realize all the promises and confessions and compromises were made by you. She had the control all along. All you can do now is make yourself walk away and never look back.

Wow, ok, so this post is not very helpful or comforting at all...



  1. Ninth grade? No, it was actually seventh.

  2. When you're talking about the film noir femme fatale, I think you're legally obligated to mention her gams that won't quit. Just a heads up.

  3. Ok, I'll fix it before it hits the shelves.

  4. It's comforting that even though I don't know who this writer is the post falls DIRECTLY (in the very literal sense) in line with my succubus experience. Does it take away the anger of losing that chunk of my life? Not really. Does it make me want to hate my succubus less? Not really.

    Is it helpful? Unfortunately it probably won't be helpful to anyone that hasn't been subject to the spell of the succubus. Like you said, there was no way I could have known. Even with my entire family telling me otherwise, even with admittance by the succubus herself(!) I was still blinded to what was happening. I truly truly wish there were a way to properly warn young men about this, I congratulate you for even trying.

    Maybe I'm lucky that I only lost four or five months...

    I'd like to make an amendment to the final piece of advice: all you can do now is make yourself *run* away and never look *her in the eyes ever again*. That's how they get you, it's in the eyes!!!!

    STAY ALWAYS VIGILANT! For if you have seen the spell in the eyes of a succubus once you can recognize it forever and can free yourself, unaffected, if you catch it early.

  5. This was written by a very wise man. I am not naive and don't generally allow myself to be used, but twice in my life I've met my match and been put through the ringer.

    I am presently attempting to stave off a succubus I previously slept with for a period of a few weeks (the sex was incredible, as you'd expect from a creature that uses this to survive) and I haven't been doing so well. The fact that we had a sexual relationship two years ago is now my Achilles heel in that I'm constantly holding out hope that I can get it back (and we all know I can't).

    I tried being polite but cool when she came back into my professional circle after two years, but her reaction seemed to be to treat me like a stalker, like she was expecting me to be all over her. But I was just polite and aloof, in a "hey, how you doin'?" and then go about my business kind of way.

    Surprisingly, this visibly irked her, and she went from keeping me at arms length, to shooting me sad looks, to flirting loudly with guys in front of me (which I dutifully ignored) to finally throwing her arms around me and being flirty and cute, which was what got me the first time around. It is virtually impossible to have a gorgeous succubus throw its arms around you in a bear hug and remain unaffected.

    And so I ended up hanging out with her a couple times, always hoping and wondering - will we sleep together again? And of course all that happened is the "let's get a beer" became a totally sober lunch the first time, and the second time I got bent over and regaled with stories of who asked her out, who she's shtupping out of convenience, who she's falling for, and who she thinks is hot. It was miserable, it shat all over the positive memories I had of our time together, and it strengthened my resolve. I need to resist this monster.

    Yet every time I muster my will and decide that THIS IS IT, she changes it up and hits me from a different angle. Succubi are nothing if not wily and unpredictable. Tonight it's the "it was so nice to hang out with you, it's so great to have a good friend, how was your day?" text. Do you know how hard it was to delete that?

    I'm not responding, and you know what? I feel like a shitty person for ignoring her, I feel sick about it, and the worst part is I think she knows it and is using it to manipulate me. Guy she wants to date isn't responding, roommate who's convenient to bang is out of town, and so she's texting former fling who is now a sounding board eunuch. In two days of hanging out, not one question about my life. It was all monologue.

    I had to come back and read the above article to remind myself of the most crucial part, the thing that she and the other succubus I battled showed me again and again - "..who she really is: a user. Your attention is her sustenance; she really couldn’t care less about you.

" Frankly, I consider myself lucky that this time around it only took me a a couple of weeks to snap the hell out of it. It can be much, much worse.

  6. I have dreams about succubus' they feel good but i dont know if i should take the sexual feeling i feel, but i jus dunno what to do should i wake up or should i keep dreaming, could the unreal come real, will i meet ever in real life???