Saturday, October 2, 2010

RULE 10: Don't Date Pretty

I'm taking a quick break from bear-wrestling to deliver some more truth directly to your face.


"All that glitters is not gold." (A man said that. We know this because if a woman had said it, she would have added, "it may also be diamond.") This is the concept behind today's lesson, and it's one that many a manly man struggle with.

For those who aren't familiar with the Facts of Life (i.e.: recluses, monkeys, and british people), men are drawn to shiny objects. Jeff Foxworthy, Mustache God, elaborated upon this phenomenon as to how it pertained to rednecks and their fascination with aluminum boats. By his definition, the
dimmer a person is, the more drawn he will be to shiny objects. That's called physics, son.

This applies to women as well. Women love jewelry because it sparkles, but they also love it because they know that men love jewelry
on women. We see these trinkets and are lured to them like chub to the angler fish. Once some really smart chicks started making dresses out of reflective material and putting glitter in makeup... I mean, honestly, guys don't stand a chance now.

But sparkliness is not just skin-deep! Some women even have sparkly 
personalities! These are the chicks who know how to flirt and bat their eyes and have a good time at parties. Men love these chicks. They're fun and exciting. These are the kinds of chicks that men crowd around and fight over. These are the kinds of chicks that YOU want under your arm.

Well, you shouldn't.

See, it's not exactly easy for girls to be that shiny. It takes hard work, practice, and probably a lot of money. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the women who put on that layer of perfect makeup, sport the latest fashions, drive the cutest cars, tan religiously, AND maintain a rockin figure have devoted so much time and energy into their appearance that all other aspects of their humanity were ultimately neglected.

Translation: These chicks are BORES. They have NOTHING interesting to offer other than how they look. You guys may find it fun to be flirted with, but once you realize that's the deepest your conversations will ever get, it'll get old REAL fast.

But what do we men do?
We stick it out! We'll sit and listen to these girls talk about what they bought at the mall, or who they saw talking to who(m?), or how wasted they got at the last party they went to, until we want to gnaw our own ears off, but we KEEP COMING BACK!


Shiny objects inhibit our capacity to think. Shiny girls are so visually stimulating that our eyes trick our brains into thinking that's all the stimulation we really need, but in truth, if you're looking for an acquaintanceship that at least
could be fulfilling, you've got to got to GOT to go deeper.

Men, I beseech you to save yourselves from this trap. I would go so far as to tell you to completely avoid this girl when you see her at social gatherings and seek out the wallflower. You'll most likely have a delightful conversation with her about something moderately interesting (maybe... books?), and the best part is, you'll have little to no competition due to the fact that every other guy is drooling over the gorgeous empty shell of a female taking jello shots.


  1. hahahaha!!! I love that jello shots is a tag in this post! Well done guys!

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