Saturday, October 16, 2010

(GUEST) CASE STUDY 1: Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Watching Jersey Shore

The Wanderer's back to drop some more knowledge on you douche nozzles!  A great philosopher once said, “You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

Let me break this down for those of you from places not quite as classy as New Jersey.  This quote is from a man who calls himself “The Situation” and “stars” (I use the term very loosely) on MTV’s reality show/sociology dissertation Jersey Shore, and translates into English roughly as “You need to be maximally desirable to the opposite sex by working out all the time, maintaining a year-round permaorange tan, and making sure your clothes are clean in order to be found attractive and find girls who are willing to engage in sexual intercourse in Miami, FL…say that 5 times fast.”

Jersey Shore is what would happen if you gave monkeys at the zoo steroids, an unlimited supply of alcohol, and a hot tub.  I find the show utterly repulsive and unbearably fascinating.  Watching Jersey Shore is like watching a drunken bear ride a unicycle through a ring of fire: you’re not really sure how it happened, you’re almost entirely certain it’s going to end poorly, and yet you can’t help but watch.  I think the cast of Jersey Shore could keep the world’s finest physicists, sociologists, psychologists, grammaticians, and biologists busy for decades (The physicists would work on equations for how their hair stays so big and rigid, the sociologists would study their behavior patterns, the psychologists would delve deep into the twisted inner workings of their minds, the grammaticians would analyze every ridiculous word that comes out of their mouths, and the biologists would attempt to solve the mystery of how human beings can build up such high levels of tolerance to fake tanning products, alcohol, and toxic hairspray fumes).

The men of Jersey Shore are practically dripping with the Third Natural Law, and, thanks to years of anabolic steroids, have gained the skills that come with Rule 5 with little to no effort.  We can laugh all we want, but these men are being paid to live a life dedicated to pure, unadulterated hedonism.  What man wouldn’t want that?

So, fellas, brush up on your GTL.  Stay hella FTD.  And, if you’re ever in the MIA…I don’t recommend trying to pick up the girls who are DTF (Clap on, clap off.  Clap on, clap off…venereal disease!), but you could always find a grenade who’s DTS.  (Here's a decoder for those of you not hip to the lingo.