Friday, March 15, 2013

Rule 17: Don't Reinvent The Third Wheel

Professor Real Talk here. Class is now in session.

This one goes out to all the ladies.

Let me begin by saying that I in no way envy the situation in which y'all constantly find yourselves, namely: being asked out by the guy you just don't want to go out with. I mean, you care about his feeeelings, and if you were ever to hurt them, he would tell the whole world that you're a dirty pirate hooker full of diseases and bad manners. There's no winning.

So, you can't say "no," but... if the parameters of the date were changed somehow... perhaps if a trusted friend were with you to guard you from any advances this guy might make...

Look familiar?

Upon further review, I came to the conclusion that the Third Wheel subject needs and deserves elaboration, and I'm really proud of myself for coining this here phrase: "Reinventing the Third Wheel."

YOU SEE, ladies (or, possibly, wussy men), you have created a whole new beast of a social setting, in which three people are feeling and thinking three very different things:

Date Proposer: "I'm not getting any action tonight. This kinda sucks a lot."

Third Party: "I have to talk to this guy who's clearly frustrated for not getting any action-time with my friend. This kinda sucks a lot."

Date Victim: "I have a wonderful friend, AND I'm not getting hit on! This is awesome and totally not awkward at all!"

I hate to say it, ladies, but this scenario is far, far worse than the original, because NOW you've forced a good friend to bear YOUR bad-date burden. One might go so far as to call such actions "selfish" or "totally douchey." Men (or, possibly, cooler ladies), if the person you are soon to go on a date with pulls this on you, just WALK AWAY and save everyone the grief. Life is too damn short to spend ANY time and effort on people who don't want to be around you.

I swear to God, someday, I'm going to write a book called "How To Reject Men, and Other Things Women Are Bad At". Then, I'm going to give it to my future daughter on her 13th birthday, and I'm going to say, "Veronica Joy, I want you to read this book cover-to-cover. If you follow all of its advice, and if you survive all the way through middle school, you will have the respect of every man in the world for the rest of your life." And she'll say, "Whatever, Dad! You watch a show about magical ponies!"

Here's the thing... Men respect simplicity, honesty, and bluntness. Why? Because men are dumb. SO, when a man asks you out, and you don't want to go out with him, here are some things you could say:

"I'm sorry, I have plans that night." 
This statement does not have to be true. God will not send you to Hell for saying this. He doesn't want you to go on a bad date, either. (Honestly, neither does the guy, if he actually cares about you.)

"I'm not sure. Call me in a couple days, ok?"
This is for when the guy follows up the date proposal with a later date proposal. Now, since the date is further away, you have to check your calendar. When he calls you back, tell him you have plans then, too. After a few rounds of this, most guys will get bored and give up. (Notice that it's HIS job to call YOU back. When it's the other way around, you may accidentally take days or even weeks to get back to him, and that's hecka inconsiderate.)

"I'm gonna be honest with you. Our last date was ok, but I don't really want to spend one-on-one time with you. We might do better in a group setting."
Is that too honest? NO. It paints a very clear picture for him: he can hang out with you if he accepts the fact that he will never be alone with you again. This is the new rule. Ok.

"That seems too much like a 'date.' Could we bring friends?"
A variation of the latter, this allows for socialization within certain parameters at the GERMINATION of the proposal. This is important. It's when the rules change LATER that the guy will get frustrated and hurt, and isn't that what you're trying to avoid?

"That seems too much like a 'date,' and I don't want to go on a date with you. Why? Because I'm a human being with unique thoughts and feelings just like you, and if you actually like me as a person, you have to respect that."
Oh... Ok, then... Dang.

LADIES. It is not a bad thing to stand up for yourselves. It's 2013, for God's sake! Stop cowering and at least ACT like you have equal rights!


Expect more of me soon, douchebags.

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