Thursday, July 22, 2010

1st Natural Law: THE MIND!

Oh snap. I don't know if you're ready for this one. This is one of the most vital and fundamental (vitamental) truths, a truth that lays the foundation for all knowledge and wisdom pertaining to dude and chick. Somewhere deep inside us all, this truth has laid buried under layers of denial and prejudice, and for many, unearthing this truth will shatter the very foundation of their world and leave them in a smoldering pile of hormones and despair. Nevertheless, I must present this to you now in order to proceed with any other entries. And so, I begin...

Seriously, though. Have you seen "Inception" yet? It'll be like that. I hope you're sitting down and other people are nearby to help you recover.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" That is the number one phrase used by all humans when talking about the opposite sex (Source: Bible). We don't understand each other's habits, mannerisms, verbal cues, body language, Facebook comments, etc. I can't speak for you ladies, but we men are confused by all of the following things you do:

- Thinking You're Fat/Ugly: Men never do this. The fattest, ugliest one among us still thinks he looks like Mr. Universe when he flexes in the mirror.

- Wanting to Talk So Much: shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! IT'S THE TV'S TURN TO TALK!!!

- Loving Shoes So Much: Black and gay men are the exceptions, but for completely different reasons.

- Not Making Me a Sandwich: I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying my love is conditional.

Here is the heart of the crux of the matter. There's a reason a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from WVenus" sold a buh-million copies, and it has nothing to do with astrology or NASA: guy brains and girl brains are wired completely differently. Science has not yet come close to mapping out these differences, and all of our best guesses come from comedians.

HOWEVER! We here at Rules to Date Girls By, on that Fateful Night of Divine Inspiration, were blessed with the most simple and elegant explanation, which shall henceforth be known as THE NATURAL LAW OF THE MIND!...

Men are stupid; Women are crazy.

Now, before anyone becomes enraged because someone insulted their gender on the internet, please notice that I put both descriptors in a negative connotation to create an Equilibrium, starring Christian Bale (dumb movie, don't watch it).

You see, men don't like thinking. We do it when it's necessary, but only if there is a promise of no thinking in the future. The reason we build or create anything is to make the thinking processes simpler for the next generation (i.e.: computers, plumbing, movie plots, etc.). We solve problems now so that more problems that require thinking don't come up later.

Women, on the other hand, LOVE to think. They think about how they look, who's dating who, what they're going to eat, what their favorite Julia Roberts movie is, what their FRIENDS are thinking, what their BOYFRIENDS are thinking about (Hint: NOTHING!), and so many other non-vitamental issues. I'm pretty sure they can't even stop thinking, which is why they've developed the power of telepathy. (Women can actually share minds if conditions are right. I know this because I once got caught in a female mind stream and blacked out.) Men are jealous of this power, but it's a small price to pay for thinking less.

THEREFORE! What always happens when the two sexes interact is that women will over-think and men will under-think. When a girl likes a guy, there is a 92% chance he will not realize it. Inversely, whether or not a guy likes a girl, the girl will imagine every conceivable scenario she and he may go through, and her mind becomes so completely overwhelmed that she has to cry or buy something.

This subject will be further elaborated upon as we go through the Rules. Until then, women: be more obvious. Speak directly and bluntly and use smaller and fewer words. And men: just be paranoid of everything. Trust me, it'll work.

I really wanna go see Inception again.


  1. Inception was pretty fantastic. And, if loving gunkata is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

  2. If Equilibrium was 5 minutes long and had only the scenes with the guns, music, and samurai swords, it would be the best movie of all time.

  3. men are stupid , women are crazy, that has been my go-to rule for heterosexual relationships.
    you guys are alright

  4. SO true! But remember, when on a disastrous date(Re: Murphy's Law), a girl will be over-thinking about WHY that date is so bad, and instead of blaming in on the Natural Law, or on the guy, chances are she is wondering what SHE did to make it so bad.

    The over-thinking thing really sucks. :)