Saturday, September 4, 2010

Rule 8: Get A Skill.

Rule 5 may be too base or exhausing for you more frail and sensitive girly-men, so if it isn't your cup of tea, you may prefer this method. But stop drinking tea, though. What are you, British?

"We kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

These, as we all know, were the infamous words sung by the ridiculous pop sensation Ke$ha, and they hit some of us men very close to home. Any rational human being, upon first hearing those lyrics, would immediately cry shenanigans. Mick Jagger is the opposite of sex appeal. Just seeing a photo of him has caused some women to go sterile. But although Ke$ha is contractually obligated to be merely a caricature of a drunken party slut, her attraction to this old rock star is not too far off-base from reality.

Rock stars are notorious for being unsightly. Their muscles may be atrophied; their hair may be mangy; their clothes may be tattered, spikey, or just generally unprofessional-looking; their face may look like it was once beaten with a crowbar. In fact, when rock stars don't look like this, we tend to consider them "posers" (unless they sound like Weezer). Yet HOW MANY TIMES have we seen mind-blowingly cute girls in the arms of these Dwellers of the Night?

We He-Men often get very jealous of these types. We, who try to work out and maintain proper hygiene, will always be 1-upped by any band member. Why? CUZ THEY HAVE SKILLS!


Instrument skills are by far the most awesome skills to have, the awesomest of all being guitar skills, because you can't carry a piano or drum set around with you very easily. (Also, it's kinda phallic.) Tell us about it, Joe!

One time, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a bro during a big conference. We were jamming out on our guitars and getting really into it, and two cute girls walked up to us and said "Hey, you guys are awesome! Wanna play Apples to Apples?" SO WE DID. We never would have even been NOTICED had we not been playing guitars.

Ok, right now you may be trying to think of good skills you already possess, like Meat-Grilling Skills, Job-Hunting Skills, Computer-Hacking Skills, etc. Those are all well and good, BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET YOU A CHICK. Those are what we consider Neutral Skills.

For your reference, we have listed some skills within their respective categories:

Girl-Getting Skills:
- Playing a musical instrument (especially phallic ones)
- Being appropriately funny within various venues
- Making eye contact
- Not trembling when you finally get the nerve to talk to her

Neutral Skills:
- Maintaining a steady job
- Being good-looking
- Having good hygiene (FUTURE CASE STUDY!!!)

- Talking about yourself
- Being REALLY good at video games (that aren't on the Wii)
- Sharing your feelings (Honestly, if girls really wanted a guy that did that, they'd just date other girls. Then every girl would be a lesbian, and the entire male population would be either wiped out or turned into eunuch slaves they'd keep around in case something mechanical brakes or a small animal needs killing. Wars and international tension would most likely be neutralized so every woman in the world could go shopping together. Everyone would get along because there'd be no male affection to compete for. We'd have a completely utopian society... BUT AT WHAT COST???)

1 comment:

  1. Ha. My Ex really needed to learn the rule about not sharing his feelings (or, rather, what he *really* thought). :-p

    -Barb the French Bean