Rule 5: Get Muscles

I woke up this morning to "Centerfold" on the radio. My week has started off right, and now, so will yours.

GET MUSCLES.

This is by far the easiest thing you could do to start making yourself more appealing to the lady-types. In many scenarios, women will seem completely uninterested in men in general. This usually comes from them being burned one too many times (by fault of their own poor choices of men to date). They'll constantly say things like, "I'm through with men! They're all such pigs! All they care about is my body!"

But what happens when a musclebound male walks up to them and strikes up a conversation? They go silly! At that moment, all they care about IS HIS BODY. I've seen this happen to the prudest of prudes. Biceps are to women what boobs are to men. Girls act like and say they don't care about physical appearance, but this is just a lie they tell to try to protect your fragile ego, you girly-man.

So seriously, hit the gym. If you're in high school or college, you probably could access their for free. Search the interwebs for good workout routines, and find the one that's right for you. Once you start, you'll look better and feel healthier, and that will give you CONFIDENCE. (Oh snap, it's Law 3.)

Also, always take a bro for moral support. If you go to the gym by yourself, you might become addicted. You'll start slipping into an obsession of constantly working out just to make yourself feel better. And that's masturbation. "Self-improvement" is an oxymoron; we can only grow as individuals through interacting with people who care about us.

Ugh... I need to end this more sarcastically than that...

Pow.

3rd Natural Law: CONFIDENCE.

Before we continue, I feel that I must clarify how important these Rules and Natural Laws are. You need to get it through your head right now that if you don't respect or follow them, you will die alone. Period. The order in which we present them is irrelevant; You need to consider them ALL to be #1.

So when I tell you that this next Law is THE MOST ball-crushingly important Law I could present to you, that merely means that you need to know it. Except you need to know ALL of them. Because they're ALL the most important. (Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's impossible to argue against a closed loop when you're outside of it. Try it! It's tons of fun!)


CONFIDENCE.

That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.

You see, since females are in a perpetual state of thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")

BUT!... Guess what the most pivotal factor within that formula is? If you said "acting like a douche," you'd technically be right, because what you consider to be douchebaggery is actually what women call CONFIDENCE.

Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)

How does this work? Because all the while, you were CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)

However, there is a fine line between the two, in the same way that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. For instance, you can make all the guys around you look like pansies by besting them with your athletic prowess or rapier wit, then laughing in their faces at how inferior they are, but you can't punch them. Girls consider that to be brutish and unattractive for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it either.

The biggest obstacle of this Law is that confidence cannot be faked. You just have to have it. You may act confident by telling a girl that you've had a crush on her for months and would love the chance to try to make her happy by being the best boyfriend ever, but all that is is sweet. You think that would make her love you because girls LOVE sweet, but sweet doesn't help perpetuate the species, doily-cake. Sweet animals get killed by CONFIDENT animals. CONFIDENCE is instinctually appealing because it makes the species SURVIVE, and natural instinct ALWAYS trumps good judgment and personal happiness.

For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.

AND THE NEXT COUPLE OF RULES WILL TELL YOU HOW!!!