THE 4TH NATURAL LAW: LOVE

You don’t know Jack Crap. That’s why I’m here.

I want you to think of the worst couple you know personally. You know, the couple that constantly fights in public. The couple in which one of the members cuts the other one off from all of their friends and refuses to share them with anyone. The couple in which the guy abuses the girl, talks down to her, or walks all over her, and the girl rolls over and takes it.

Did you think of them? Can you see them in your mind? Of course you can, because you see them WAY more than you ever want to. You have to suffer through their horrible life choices on a regular basis, and you’re always wondering how anyone could be so lame or stupid.

Now I want you to think of the person you’ve had that crush on for-freaking-ever. Why do you like them? Do you even KNOW anymore!? Why can’t you figure out how to quit them!?

This is a disease to which no one is immune. It is a disease of the soul, a handicap of the heart.

4TH NATURAL LAW: OUR LOVE IS BROKEN.

ksc,sncWe all have needs. It always starts innocently enough. Maybe one of us has a strong desire to take care of someone. Maybe one of us wants to date someone with a strong, passionate personality. Maybe one of us wants to feel intimacy at a level they’ve never before been able to achieve. There’s really nothing wrong with wanting these things. It takes all kinds of personalities to make the world go ‘round, and that’s totally beautiful and stuff, but these folks end up finding people with the most extreme examples of these qualities, and that’s when they become enablers, or whipped/battered, or teen-pregnant, respectively.

And the worst part of our brokenness is that there’s nothing you can do to help your friends who are suffering through it. They’ll never listen to you. They LOVE that awful person, and they’ll keep dating that awful person because that person’s behavior so perfectly fills a need, like an overdose of medicine. The only way anyone can hope to break free is from within. They have to realize how unhealthy the relationship is on their own, and that usually only happens after a tragic or traumatizing life event (i.e.: The person cheats; Someone dies).

So, if YOU have a friend who’s always cleaning their abusive or manipulative significant other’s apartment, don’t try to tell them they’re living their life in the worst possible way. Just pray something terrible happens to them. Because you’re a good friend.

Or maybe the rapture will happen and we won't have to deal with it anymore! YAY, RAPTURE!!!

Rule 13: Avoid the Succubus

I prepared this one a while ago, then removed it until I could find a way to make it less depressing.

I could not.

Rule 13: AVOID THE SUCCUBUS.



Ancient myths tell of a woman named Lilith, Adam’s first wife before Eve. Everything was going just swimmingly for these two, until Lilith refused to be subservient to Adam. For this, she was cast out of Eden. She then had sex with the archangel Samael and became the world’s first succubus, a female demon-creature that lives off the life-breath of the men she has sex with.



Some of you readers might consider a myth like this to be misogynistic. “Why should a woman be considered evil just because she wants a little control?” you ask aloud, startling all the people that are sitting around you at Starbucks.

Because she’s doing it wrong! Women and men already have an equal balance of control over each other! Men control women EXtrinsically (“Make me a sandwich.”), and women control men INtrinsically (“Nothing’s wrong. I’m FINE!”). Lilith openly refused to submit to Adam, unlike a normal woman, who convinces a guy to do all the things she wants him to do by throwing him a bone every now and then. She wanted to dominate him inside and out, and that’s a no-no.



This character has remained archetypal in all cultures since the beginning of written word, the most modern permutation being the femme fatale (French for “deadly woman” (with probably an “au-hau-HAU!” added for good measure)). The scene is a all too familiar: A private detective in a cheap suit is working late behind the desk in his dimly-lit office overlooking a run-down city street, when in walks a gorgeous woman whose face is half-obscured by shadows and a giant hat. She asks the man to save her from a dangerous enemy with little-to-nothing to offer him in return. Like a total sap, he agrees to help her, ultimately risking his own life to stop these bad guys on the off-chance that the woman will be so grateful to him that she’ll let him touch her boobs, but GUESS WHAT HAPPENS as soon as the last criminal is shot dead or locked up? SHE RUNS OFF (most likely with someone in a rock band or biker gang) with barely a thank-you, and the man’s gloomy life returns to the status-quo.



Why has the concept of a woman completely dominating a man for personal gain using only her beauty and charm held so steadfast through the centuries? Probably because real-life examples keep popping up, like Jezebel, Cleopatra, and your 9th-Grade English teacher, to name just a few. There are succubi all around us, just waiting to pull us in, use us up, and throw us away like tissues. They can control us, and they know it.



This may just seem like an extension of the Pretty Girl of Rule 10, but I consider these to be two completely different beings. Unlike the Pretty Girl, who is ONLY pretty, the Succubus has a much deeper and multi-faceted personality. They'll seem different from all the other girls (in that they'll have both good looks and personality AND they'll be interested in you). You’ll get to know them on a personal level, and you’ll fall completely in love with them. Then one day, if you’re lucky, a piece of her disguise will chip off, and you’ll slowly peel the rest of it away to reveal who she really is: a user. Your attention is her sustenance; she really couldn’t care less about you.



Please don’t hate these women; it’s the only way they know how to live. And please don’t hate yourself for falling for one of them; there’s no way you could’ve known. The worst part about succubi is that by the time you realize who they are, it’s too late. You've wasted a chunk of your life chasing after her affection with no reward to speak of. As you look back, you’ll realize all the promises and confessions and compromises were made by you. She had the control all along. All you can do now is make yourself walk away and never look back.



Wow, ok, so this post is not very helpful or comforting at all...



:D

3rd Natural Law: CONFIDENCE.

Before we continue, I feel that I must clarify how important these Rules and Natural Laws are. You need to get it through your head right now that if you don't respect or follow them, you will die alone. Period. The order in which we present them is irrelevant; You need to consider them ALL to be #1.

So when I tell you that this next Law is THE MOST ball-crushingly important Law I could present to you, that merely means that you need to know it. Except you need to know ALL of them. Because they're ALL the most important. (Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's impossible to argue against a closed loop when you're outside of it. Try it! It's tons of fun!)


CONFIDENCE.

That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.

You see, since females are in a perpetual state of thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")

BUT!... Guess what the most pivotal factor within that formula is? If you said "acting like a douche," you'd technically be right, because what you consider to be douchebaggery is actually what women call CONFIDENCE.

Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)

How does this work? Because all the while, you were CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)

However, there is a fine line between the two, in the same way that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. For instance, you can make all the guys around you look like pansies by besting them with your athletic prowess or rapier wit, then laughing in their faces at how inferior they are, but you can't punch them. Girls consider that to be brutish and unattractive for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it either.

The biggest obstacle of this Law is that confidence cannot be faked. You just have to have it. You may act confident by telling a girl that you've had a crush on her for months and would love the chance to try to make her happy by being the best boyfriend ever, but all that is is sweet. You think that would make her love you because girls LOVE sweet, but sweet doesn't help perpetuate the species, doily-cake. Sweet animals get killed by CONFIDENT animals. CONFIDENCE is instinctually appealing because it makes the species SURVIVE, and natural instinct ALWAYS trumps good judgment and personal happiness.

For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.

AND THE NEXT COUPLE OF RULES WILL TELL YOU HOW!!!