Rule 17: Don't Reinvent The Third Wheel

Professor Real Talk here. Class is now in session.

This one goes out to all the ladies.

Let me begin by saying that I in no way envy the situation in which y'all constantly find yourselves, namely: being asked out by the guy you just don't want to go out with. I mean, you care about his feeeelings, and if you were ever to hurt them, he would tell the whole world that you're a dirty pirate hooker full of diseases and bad manners. There's no winning.

So, you can't say "no," but... if the parameters of the date were changed somehow... perhaps if a trusted friend were with you to guard you from any advances this guy might make...

Look familiar?

Upon further review, I came to the conclusion that the Third Wheel subject needs and deserves elaboration, and I'm really proud of myself for coining this here phrase: "Reinventing the Third Wheel."

YOU SEE, ladies (or, possibly, wussy men), you have created a whole new beast of a social setting, in which three people are feeling and thinking three very different things:

Date Proposer: "I'm not getting any action tonight. This kinda sucks a lot."

Third Party: "I have to talk to this guy who's clearly frustrated for not getting any action-time with my friend. This kinda sucks a lot."

Date Victim: "I have a wonderful friend, AND I'm not getting hit on! This is awesome and totally not awkward at all!"

I hate to say it, ladies, but this scenario is far, far worse than the original, because NOW you've forced a good friend to bear YOUR bad-date burden. One might go so far as to call such actions "selfish" or "totally douchey." Men (or, possibly, cooler ladies), if the person you are soon to go on a date with pulls this on you, just WALK AWAY and save everyone the grief. Life is too damn short to spend ANY time and effort on people who don't want to be around you.

I swear to God, someday, I'm going to write a book called "How To Reject Men, and Other Things Women Are Bad At". Then, I'm going to give it to my future daughter on her 13th birthday, and I'm going to say, "Veronica Joy, I want you to read this book cover-to-cover. If you follow all of its advice, and if you survive all the way through middle school, you will have the respect of every man in the world for the rest of your life." And she'll say, "Whatever, Dad! You watch a show about magical ponies!"

Here's the thing... Men respect simplicity, honesty, and bluntness. Why? Because men are dumb. SO, when a man asks you out, and you don't want to go out with him, here are some things you could say:

"I'm sorry, I have plans that night." 
This statement does not have to be true. God will not send you to Hell for saying this. He doesn't want you to go on a bad date, either. (Honestly, neither does the guy, if he actually cares about you.)

"I'm not sure. Call me in a couple days, ok?"
This is for when the guy follows up the date proposal with a later date proposal. Now, since the date is further away, you have to check your calendar. When he calls you back, tell him you have plans then, too. After a few rounds of this, most guys will get bored and give up. (Notice that it's HIS job to call YOU back. When it's the other way around, you may accidentally take days or even weeks to get back to him, and that's hecka inconsiderate.)

"I'm gonna be honest with you. Our last date was ok, but I don't really want to spend one-on-one time with you. We might do better in a group setting."
Is that too honest? NO. It paints a very clear picture for him: he can hang out with you if he accepts the fact that he will never be alone with you again. This is the new rule. Ok.

"That seems too much like a 'date.' Could we bring friends?"
A variation of the latter, this allows for socialization within certain parameters at the GERMINATION of the proposal. This is important. It's when the rules change LATER that the guy will get frustrated and hurt, and isn't that what you're trying to avoid?

"That seems too much like a 'date,' and I don't want to go on a date with you. Why? Because I'm a human being with unique thoughts and feelings just like you, and if you actually like me as a person, you have to respect that."
Oh... Ok, then... Dang.

LADIES. It is not a bad thing to stand up for yourselves. It's 2013, for God's sake! Stop cowering and at least ACT like you have equal rights!


Expect more of me soon, douchebags.

Rule 16: Don't Be a Puppy.

Ok, here's what's up.

You're a dumb guy. You like some crazy girl. You want to get with that girl.

What's your game plan?

"Well, women want to be pursued," begins your dumb reply, "but I remember YOU saying I need to be aloof so as not to smother. Therefore, I need to pursue her in a very likeable way... I know! I'll just hang out with her over the course of a few months! I'll go to parties with her and her friends, get in with her cliques... Once she just gets to know me, she'll totally want to date me!"

Guess whatYOU'REDUMB.

I've seen enough guys mess up here that I feel Rule 11 needs some reiteration/elaboration. True, a woman needs to KNOW you to even be able to begin LIKING you (That's just simple physics.), but take a step back and look at yourself objectively. You're hanging out with this girl a lot, which means you're devoting A LOT of your valuable time to her when you're not even sure she likes you.

There's a creature in this world that follows a similar pattern of undying devotion and affection. It is called a puppy. Puppies are cute, adorable, and fun to be around... until they demand all your attention, or bark constantly, or make huge messes.

Also, no girl wants to boink a puppy.

DON'T BE A PUPPY.

You see, if a girl likes you, she will invite you to things. That will let you know she wants to be around you. This is your green light to ask her out. Until this happens, YOU BACK THE HECK OFF.

Ok. Time to watch Ponies.

Rule 15: Don't Let Yourself Be Used.

Sup, chumps.

I know it has been a long long time since you heard from me. Truth be told, it seemed the rage had up and left me. I just didn't have it in me to deliver the Rules to you in such a spirit that would fully communicate their importance to your dumb heads. However, it seems that a new sort of fervor has fallen upon me, and with the new year racing towards us, I feel that this particular message should be added to your resolutions:

DON'T LET YOURSELF BE USED.


As you may well remember, I have previously touched on how easy it is to be taken advantage of by those of the opposite sex, how there are types of individuals who feed off of the emotional strongholds they can achieve over a lover. I have also discussed those poor unfortunate souls who, out of desperation and ineptitude, attempt to buy affection. This rule falls somewhere in-between.

There are those among us who, though they never admit to it, are fully aware of these two phenomena and are able to balance theirselves betwixt them. These people are not so heartless as to lead someone on romantically, but they DO typically regard acquaintances as merely commodities at their disposal. Concordantly, These people also know their place within the social hierarchy and are able to use their very existence to get what they want from those "below" them.

You have this acquaintance. You know this acquaintance. This is your opposite-sex friend that you really don't see very often, or maybe haven't talked to in months or years. You probably had a mild (read: devastatingly blue-balling) crush on them at one point. You've been apart long enough for them to have all but left your thoughts entirely when BLIP! there they are again on your radar, asking how you're doing and what your plans are later, just chatting you up like a chattery chatterbird. Jackpot, right?

ARE WE PLAYING SLOTS, STUPID!?

They think they can get something from you. Maybe they've started some business venture (read: ponzi scheme) and they want YOU to be on the ground floor with them. Maybe they have a really nice (read: really derpy) friend they want to set you up with. Maybe all they really need is someone smart like you to talk to, but of course you've already learned to never ever make that mistake again, right?

This really is a travesty of our society. These people are stealing your time. Your time is just as valuable as money (if not significantly more), and yet we flit it away so easily and uncaringly...

Fortunately, if you're paying attention, these cats are pretty easy to spot. Like I said, if they start talking to you out of the blue, all that's happened is their circumstances have changed. You're nothing to them. A hole has opened up, and they think you might be able to fill it, but trust me, they don't need you. They can get it filled anywhere, with anyone.

*snicker*

Also, HEY! Does this person already have a bf/gf, or are they openly interested in someone other than you? If so, then why are they asking YOU for help, and why are YOU giving it to them!?

Don't be a dummy. Happy New Year.

THE 4TH NATURAL LAW: LOVE

You don’t know Jack Crap. That’s why I’m here.

I want you to think of the worst couple you know personally. You know, the couple that constantly fights in public. The couple in which one of the members cuts the other one off from all of their friends and refuses to share them with anyone. The couple in which the guy abuses the girl, talks down to her, or walks all over her, and the girl rolls over and takes it.

Did you think of them? Can you see them in your mind? Of course you can, because you see them WAY more than you ever want to. You have to suffer through their horrible life choices on a regular basis, and you’re always wondering how anyone could be so lame or stupid.

Now I want you to think of the person you’ve had that crush on for-freaking-ever. Why do you like them? Do you even KNOW anymore!? Why can’t you figure out how to quit them!?

This is a disease to which no one is immune. It is a disease of the soul, a handicap of the heart.

4TH NATURAL LAW: OUR LOVE IS BROKEN.

ksc,sncWe all have needs. It always starts innocently enough. Maybe one of us has a strong desire to take care of someone. Maybe one of us wants to date someone with a strong, passionate personality. Maybe one of us wants to feel intimacy at a level they’ve never before been able to achieve. There’s really nothing wrong with wanting these things. It takes all kinds of personalities to make the world go ‘round, and that’s totally beautiful and stuff, but these folks end up finding people with the most extreme examples of these qualities, and that’s when they become enablers, or whipped/battered, or teen-pregnant, respectively.

And the worst part of our brokenness is that there’s nothing you can do to help your friends who are suffering through it. They’ll never listen to you. They LOVE that awful person, and they’ll keep dating that awful person because that person’s behavior so perfectly fills a need, like an overdose of medicine. The only way anyone can hope to break free is from within. They have to realize how unhealthy the relationship is on their own, and that usually only happens after a tragic or traumatizing life event (i.e.: The person cheats; Someone dies).

So, if YOU have a friend who’s always cleaning their abusive or manipulative significant other’s apartment, don’t try to tell them they’re living their life in the worst possible way. Just pray something terrible happens to them. Because you’re a good friend.

Or maybe the rapture will happen and we won't have to deal with it anymore! YAY, RAPTURE!!!

RULE 14: KNOW THYSELF (And Everyone Else)

Tonight’s rule comes from my third favorite character in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (right behind George Carlin and Napoleon): Socrates. Although he was not of noble blood and had no handicap preventing him from working, this humble Grecian spent the majority of his time basically putzing around Athens and talking to people. What made him awesome and not a bum was his innate ability to call B.S. on people. His favorite target was a league of debaters called Sophists who taught people how to win arguments through rhetoric rather than through actually being right. Socrates thought this was dumb. He set out to make every Sophist in Greece look like a total tool by debating with them until they exposed their core beliefs (which were usually pretty Weak Sauce). He was so dang good at this that the Sophists eventually put him on trial for “corrupting young people’s minds”. When found guilty and forced to choose between death and exilation, he chose death.

Why? ‘Cause this cat was REAL.

Which brings me to you. Are you real with yourself? Are you able to really recognize who you are?

Look at this picture:

This is a graphical interpretation of the social hierarchy of the typical modern American high school. The “Light” category represents the prettiest and most popular kids at school. The “Dark” category represents the counterculture, those who have been (or have felt) rejected by the mainstream world and now do their best to avoid looking anything like it. The “Left” and “Right” categories are crude representations of people’s artistic (“right-brained”) or analytical (“left-brained”) tendencies.

Now, try to put yourself on that chart. Where do you fall? Do you consider yourself popular or outcast? Are you moved by the world’s beauty all around you, or are you drawn to the nuts and bolts therein?

Now, ask yourself what your friends would put you.

Most of us find it very hard to put ourselves in boxes, and in truth, we’re such complex creatures that it’s not fair to do so. But now, consider your closest friends. Think of the people you CHOOSE to hang out with the most. If that group of people was ONE person with ONE personality, where would it go on the graph?

Above is a more elaborate version of the chart, intended to expound upon the personality types of different groups. (The theorems behind it all are rudimentary at best, but you get the idea.) The personality of a GROUP of people can be generalized very easy, because as the number of a group of people increase, the more our survival instincts will tell us to act like each other, and the strongest personalities will always lead the way.

NOW, think of the girls you’re always trying to date. Put them somewhere on the chart. Are they anywhere near you and your friends? If you’re honest with yourself, the answer is probably NO, because you want to date someone better or more interesting than you. Well, guess what? We all do. We just can’t. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you’ll be.

If you answered YES, but you still can’t get a girlfriend, than one of two things is happening:
1) You’re wrong because you’re stupid.
2) You’re missing something important about yourself, since after all, no one can analyze theirselves unbiasedly. Maybe you’re not that popular or good-looking. Maybe you talk too much. Maybe you have anger issues that scare people away. Maybe you bring people down because you dwell on your life problems rather than allowing yourself to grow from them. MAYBE you’re wasting your life away pursuing certain kinds of women for all the wrong reasons, namely, to become something contrary to your core self.

So really, this is kind of like a meta-rule that encompasses a lot of the other rules.

What I want you to do now is go to your closest, truest, and most loving friends and ask them about yourself. Ask them what they like and don’t like about you. Ask them what kind of friendship they need from you. Tell them to be brutal, and don’t let your feelings get hurt. You need to get to know yourself and accept where you fit within the social structure. If you fight it, you’ll never find contentment.

Rule 13: Avoid the Succubus

I prepared this one a while ago, then removed it until I could find a way to make it less depressing.

I could not.

Rule 13: AVOID THE SUCCUBUS.



Ancient myths tell of a woman named Lilith, Adam’s first wife before Eve. Everything was going just swimmingly for these two, until Lilith refused to be subservient to Adam. For this, she was cast out of Eden. She then had sex with the archangel Samael and became the world’s first succubus, a female demon-creature that lives off the life-breath of the men she has sex with.



Some of you readers might consider a myth like this to be misogynistic. “Why should a woman be considered evil just because she wants a little control?” you ask aloud, startling all the people that are sitting around you at Starbucks.

Because she’s doing it wrong! Women and men already have an equal balance of control over each other! Men control women EXtrinsically (“Make me a sandwich.”), and women control men INtrinsically (“Nothing’s wrong. I’m FINE!”). Lilith openly refused to submit to Adam, unlike a normal woman, who convinces a guy to do all the things she wants him to do by throwing him a bone every now and then. She wanted to dominate him inside and out, and that’s a no-no.



This character has remained archetypal in all cultures since the beginning of written word, the most modern permutation being the femme fatale (French for “deadly woman” (with probably an “au-hau-HAU!” added for good measure)). The scene is a all too familiar: A private detective in a cheap suit is working late behind the desk in his dimly-lit office overlooking a run-down city street, when in walks a gorgeous woman whose face is half-obscured by shadows and a giant hat. She asks the man to save her from a dangerous enemy with little-to-nothing to offer him in return. Like a total sap, he agrees to help her, ultimately risking his own life to stop these bad guys on the off-chance that the woman will be so grateful to him that she’ll let him touch her boobs, but GUESS WHAT HAPPENS as soon as the last criminal is shot dead or locked up? SHE RUNS OFF (most likely with someone in a rock band or biker gang) with barely a thank-you, and the man’s gloomy life returns to the status-quo.



Why has the concept of a woman completely dominating a man for personal gain using only her beauty and charm held so steadfast through the centuries? Probably because real-life examples keep popping up, like Jezebel, Cleopatra, and your 9th-Grade English teacher, to name just a few. There are succubi all around us, just waiting to pull us in, use us up, and throw us away like tissues. They can control us, and they know it.



This may just seem like an extension of the Pretty Girl of Rule 10, but I consider these to be two completely different beings. Unlike the Pretty Girl, who is ONLY pretty, the Succubus has a much deeper and multi-faceted personality. They'll seem different from all the other girls (in that they'll have both good looks and personality AND they'll be interested in you). You’ll get to know them on a personal level, and you’ll fall completely in love with them. Then one day, if you’re lucky, a piece of her disguise will chip off, and you’ll slowly peel the rest of it away to reveal who she really is: a user. Your attention is her sustenance; she really couldn’t care less about you.



Please don’t hate these women; it’s the only way they know how to live. And please don’t hate yourself for falling for one of them; there’s no way you could’ve known. The worst part about succubi is that by the time you realize who they are, it’s too late. You've wasted a chunk of your life chasing after her affection with no reward to speak of. As you look back, you’ll realize all the promises and confessions and compromises were made by you. She had the control all along. All you can do now is make yourself walk away and never look back.



Wow, ok, so this post is not very helpful or comforting at all...



:D

Rule 12: Save Your Money

Here comes a sad one. Don't worry, I'll make it short.

Rule 12: Save Your Money.

You spend money on women. You need to stop it.

At first glance, this may seem like just as unchivalric a thing a guy could do short of calling a girl fat, because even if you WANT to, you never should. (It's poor taste.) BUT HEAR ME OUT!

I'm not talking to your average guy here. I'm talking to that kid who's cripplingly awkward around EVERY GIRL HE KNOWS. What does this guy ALWAYS do with the girl he likes? He finds something she likes and goes out and buys it for her. If it's a cheap enough thing, he'll buy it for her several times. He can probably barely even SPEAK to this girl, so of course, he thinks that gifts will express to her what his words never could, and she'll see what a beautiful soul he has and fall madly in love with him.

O, for a thousand tongues to sing of how wrong you are.

THIS DOES NOT WORK, DUDE. It will NEVER work. In fact, every gift you buy her will only irritate her that much more. You're going off of a VERY limited knowledge base of what this girl is like and what her interests really are. So take a step back, regroup, re-read all of these rules, collect your nerve, and LEARN TO TALK TO HER LIKE A MAN.

For all you normal guys out there, this rule still very much applies to you. DO NOT buy anything for a girl you like until she agrees to go on a date with you. Honestly, you're going to keep blowing money on her if you don't even know whether or not she likes you!? That's ridiculous! Wait until she says "Yes," then REWARD her for making good choices with a free meal.

And girls, don't be douchettes about this either. Don't let a man keep buying you things if you don't like him. You're accepting gifts for existing, and that makes you worse than a whore. At least whores WORK for a living.

Which brings me to the one exception to this rule. The only time a single guy may give the single girl he likes a gift is on her birthday. (This is also the only time it's ok for anyone to get gifts for just existing. I feel this should go without saying, but I said it anyway.) HOWEVER, that gift BETTER be $15 or less. Maybe $20 if it's a really cool gift. And NO JEWELRY. That's just weird.

(If you live in rich society, this rule may not apply. Spending money may be the only way ya'll know how to communicate.)

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

I just downed a fried egg cheeseburger. I'm feeling especially manly right now.

Rule 11: BE ALOOF.

"Aloof" is seriously one of my favorite words. Not only is it hilarious to say out loud (especially in various accents), it is almost guaranteed to get you the girl.

Some fancy-pants phrase-coiner (probably Shakespeare) once said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." For those who don't believe in any language other than Amer'can, this loosely translates to: "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"

Here's the thing: human beings like attention. Some even constantly NEED attention (i.e.: babies). There's a good chance that most people would rather have attention than food, because attention is just a few levels away from LOOOVE. This is why kids who get picked on at school will keep trying to hang out with those that pick on him: negative attention is better than no attention at all.

So it makes perfect sense that when one of us peoples does not receive attention when we feel we completely deserve it, we will slowly start to freak out. We will even change the circumstances within our environment more and more until that attention is bestowed upon us.

THEREFORE, if you (a guy) are interested in a female (a girl) and want her to be interested in you back, you need to NOT talk to her.

That's right, punk. See, YOUR tendency will be to try to spend every waking moment with this girl, because hey, you really like her. I understand where you're coming from, but this plan will totally backfire on you. You will smother her. Instead, take this approach: Introduce yourself, be charming and friendly, then make yourself SPARSE. You want to be like a magical creature that randomly graces her with your presence. But less gay-sounding.

This is especially the case once you get her to go on a date with you. I have it on good authority from one of my favorite lady-friends that The Three Day Rule for calling women is absolutely true: "A woman's interest for a guy lasts exactly 72 hours. She'll be dying for you to call her right up until that point, but after that, she'll be completely over you."

I know this seems like a form of abuse or neglect, but as previously mentioned in the 3rd Natural Law, and as will be mentioned in a future case study, most women like to be mistreated. And besides, we ALL want that which we can't have.

This scenario gets more precarious the hotter the girl is. She's more likely to get more infuriated when you don't give her enough attention, but she's also more likely to move on quicker. As in all things, it's important to find a balance. I trust you'll be able to figure this out for yourselves.

(GUEST) CASE STUDY 1: Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Watching Jersey Shore

The Wanderer's back to drop some more knowledge on you douche nozzles!  A great philosopher once said, “You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

Let me break this down for those of you from places not quite as classy as New Jersey.  This quote is from a man who calls himself “The Situation” and “stars” (I use the term very loosely) on MTV’s reality show/sociology dissertation Jersey Shore, and translates into English roughly as “You need to be maximally desirable to the opposite sex by working out all the time, maintaining a year-round permaorange tan, and making sure your clothes are clean in order to be found attractive and find girls who are willing to engage in sexual intercourse in Miami, FL…say that 5 times fast.”

Jersey Shore is what would happen if you gave monkeys at the zoo steroids, an unlimited supply of alcohol, and a hot tub.  I find the show utterly repulsive and unbearably fascinating.  Watching Jersey Shore is like watching a drunken bear ride a unicycle through a ring of fire: you’re not really sure how it happened, you’re almost entirely certain it’s going to end poorly, and yet you can’t help but watch.  I think the cast of Jersey Shore could keep the world’s finest physicists, sociologists, psychologists, grammaticians, and biologists busy for decades (The physicists would work on equations for how their hair stays so big and rigid, the sociologists would study their behavior patterns, the psychologists would delve deep into the twisted inner workings of their minds, the grammaticians would analyze every ridiculous word that comes out of their mouths, and the biologists would attempt to solve the mystery of how human beings can build up such high levels of tolerance to fake tanning products, alcohol, and toxic hairspray fumes).

The men of Jersey Shore are practically dripping with the Third Natural Law, and, thanks to years of anabolic steroids, have gained the skills that come with Rule 5 with little to no effort.  We can laugh all we want, but these men are being paid to live a life dedicated to pure, unadulterated hedonism.  What man wouldn’t want that?

So, fellas, brush up on your GTL.  Stay hella FTD.  And, if you’re ever in the MIA…I don’t recommend trying to pick up the girls who are DTF (Clap on, clap off.  Clap on, clap off…venereal disease!), but you could always find a grenade who’s DTS.  (Here's a decoder for those of you not hip to the lingo.

RULE 10: Don't Date Pretty

I'm taking a quick break from bear-wrestling to deliver some more truth directly to your face.

RULE 10: DON'T DATE PRETTY.

"All that glitters is not gold." (A man said that. We know this because if a woman had said it, she would have added, "it may also be diamond.") This is the concept behind today's lesson, and it's one that many a manly man struggle with.

For those who aren't familiar with the Facts of Life (i.e.: recluses, monkeys, and british people), men are drawn to shiny objects. Jeff Foxworthy, Mustache God, elaborated upon this phenomenon as to how it pertained to rednecks and their fascination with aluminum boats. By his definition, the dimmer a person is, the more drawn he will be to shiny objects. That's called physics, son.

This applies to women as well. Women love jewelry because it sparkles, but they also love it because they know that men love jewelry on women. We see these trinkets and are lured to them like chub to the angler fish. Once some really smart chicks started making dresses out of reflective material and putting glitter in makeup... I mean, honestly, guys don't stand a chance now.

But sparkliness is not just skin-deep! Some women even have sparkly personalities! These are the chicks who know how to flirt and bat their eyes and have a good time at parties. Men love these chicks. They're fun and exciting. These are the kinds of chicks that men crowd around and fight over. These are the kinds of chicks that YOU want under your arm.

Well, you shouldn't.

See, it's not exactly easy for girls to be that shiny. It takes hard work, practice, and probably a lot of money. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the women who put on that layer of perfect makeup, sport the latest fashions, drive the cutest cars, tan religiously, AND maintain a rockin figure have devoted so much time and energy into their appearance that all other aspects of their humanity were ultimately neglected.

Translation: These chicks are BORES. They have NOTHING interesting to offer other than how they look. You guys may find it fun to be flirted with, but once you realize that's the deepest your conversations will ever get, it'll get old REAL fast.

But what do we men do? We stick it out! We'll sit and listen to these girls talk about what they bought at the mall, or who they saw talking to who(m?), or how wasted they got at the last party they went to, until we want to gnaw our own ears off, but we KEEP COMING BACK!

Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US!?

Shiny objects inhibit our capacity to think. Shiny girls are so visually stimulating that our eyes trick our brains into thinking that's all the stimulation we really need, but in truth, if you're looking for an acquaintanceship that at least could be fulfilling, you've got to got to GOT to go deeper.

Men, I beseech you to save yourselves from this trap. I would go so far as to tell you to completely avoid this girl when you see her at social gatherings and seek out the wallflower. You'll most likely have a delightful conversation with her about something moderately interesting (maybe... books?), and the best part is, you'll have little to no competition due to the fact that every other guy is drooling over the gorgeous empty shell of a female taking jello shots.

Rule 9: Cut Your Losses

What do you want?

A GIRLFRIEND!!!

When do you want her?

BEFORE I DIE!!!

You know it. I know it. All your friends know it, because it's all you ever flippin talk about. "Check out that chick!" "I wanna get with that chick!" "Dude, is that a chick or just a really pretty guy?" Granted, hairy, manly, barrel-chested men are supposed to desire females; YOU just happen to do it more than everyone you know. That makes you a freak of nature. So sorry.

But honestly, this wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that this constant desire makes you STUPID. That's why you need this rule.


RULE 9: CUT YOUR LOSSES.

They say that hope springs eternal. No matter how much doom looms overhead, there will always be the faintest spark egging us on, keeping us going. It is this spark that has kept humanity from just completely giving up and going extinct for eons.

However, if you ask a girl out and she turns you down, that hope needs to die. You need to stab it in the back, twist the knife, and watch it slowly bleed out as a smile creeps across your face, because if you let it live, it will make you KEEP COMING BACK TO HER FOREVER. You'll never give up. You'll always think you may still have a chance if you try a little harder or change your personality, but that's wrong. She'll never like you. You need to get over her, and the only way to do that is to get her out of your life. And honestly, why would you want to keep hanging out with someone that constantly reminds you of your failures?

If straight-up cutting her out of your life isn't really an option (i.e.: she's a part of your friend group), then you need to employ my patented 5 STAGES OF REJECTION!!! It's just like the 5 Stages of Grief, but backwards.


ACCEPTANCE - "That's cool. I can't change people's feelings."
DEPRESSION - "Seriously, though, why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me?"
BARGAINING - "Maybe I can change her mind if I changed x and y."
ANGER - "She's stupid for not liking me!"
DENIAL - "Whatever, I never liked her anyway. She was always just a friend."

With practice, eventually, you'll be able to go through this process within a few short hours or less! I find it helps to find a flaw in her personality (and trust me, she DOES have one) and focus on it until it's all you can think about when you see her.

"But what if she's just got a boyfriend? Couldn't I try to wait it out or steal her away?" Well, no. Listen to this guy.

Amendment 1 (RE: Law 2)

Keegan and Joe helped me realize something just now in regards to the 2nd Natural Law:


Just because a girl likes another guy does NOT mean you should give up on her. If you follow the theory of the Like Chain, it's possible that this other guy is attracted to a completely different caliber of chick than the one that currently likes him. It's EVEN possible that she is interested in both of you equally and is just waiting for one of you to MAKE THE MOVE!!!


So really, Law 2 is only good for providing solace after a failed dating attempt. You are NOT allowed to use it as an excuse to back down from pursuing a chick. Natural Laws are what ARE; Rules are what you must DO. Therefore, follow Rule 3 and GO FOR IT, PANSY!!!

Rule 8: Get A Skill.

Rule 5 may be too base or exhausing for you more frail and sensitive girly-men, so if it isn't your cup of tea, you may prefer this method. But stop drinking tea, though. What are you, British?

"We kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

These, as we all know, were the infamous words sung by the ridiculous pop sensation Ke$ha, and they hit some of us men very close to home. Any rational human being, upon first hearing those lyrics, would immediately cry shenanigans. Mick Jagger is the opposite of sex appeal. Just seeing a photo of him has caused some women to go sterile. But although Ke$ha is contractually obligated to be merely a caricature of a drunken party slut, her attraction to this old rock star is not too far off-base from reality.

Rock stars are notorious for being unsightly. Their muscles may be atrophied; their hair may be mangy; their clothes may be tattered, spikey, or just generally unprofessional-looking; their face may look like it was once beaten with a crowbar. In fact, when rock stars don't look like this, we tend to consider them "posers" (unless they sound like Weezer). Yet HOW MANY TIMES have we seen mind-blowingly cute girls in the arms of these Dwellers of the Night?

We He-Men often get very jealous of these types. We, who try to work out and maintain proper hygiene, will always be 1-upped by any band member. Why? CUZ THEY HAVE SKILLS!

RULE 8: GET A SKILL.

Instrument skills are by far the most awesome skills to have, the awesomest of all being guitar skills, because you can't carry a piano or drum set around with you very easily. (Also, it's kinda phallic.) Tell us about it, Joe!

One time, I was sitting in a hotel lobby with a bro during a big conference. We were jamming out on our guitars and getting really into it, and two cute girls walked up to us and said "Hey, you guys are awesome! Wanna play Apples to Apples?" SO WE DID. We never would have even been NOTICED had we not been playing guitars.

Ok, right now you may be trying to think of good skills you already possess, like Meat-Grilling Skills, Job-Hunting Skills, Computer-Hacking Skills, etc. Those are all well and good, BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET YOU A CHICK. Those are what we consider Neutral Skills.

For your reference, we have listed some skills within their respective categories:

Girl-Getting Skills:
- Playing a musical instrument (especially phallic ones)
- Being appropriately funny within various venues
- Making eye contact
- Not trembling when you finally get the nerve to talk to her

Neutral Skills:
- Maintaining a steady job
- Being good-looking
- Having good hygiene (FUTURE CASE STUDY!!!)

Anti-Skills:
- Talking about yourself
- Being REALLY good at video games (that aren't on the Wii)
- Sharing your feelings (Honestly, if girls really wanted a guy that did that, they'd just date other girls. Then every girl would be a lesbian, and the entire male population would be either wiped out or turned into eunuch slaves they'd keep around in case something mechanical brakes or a small animal needs killing. Wars and international tension would most likely be neutralized so every woman in the world could go shopping together. Everyone would get along because there'd be no male affection to compete for. We'd have a completely utopian society... BUT AT WHAT COST???)

Rule 7: Accept Failure

Song of the Day: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison.

Rule of the Day: ACCEPT FAILURE.

This is going to be my least sarcastic post ever. Usually, your guys need the sense beat into you, but this is a sensitive subject.

We've all been there before... You put your heart on the line and shared your feelings for a girl, and she shoots you down. She doesn't even care that sharing feelings is like, the HARDEST THING any man can do (mainly because sometimes we don't have any). SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE that she could get a FREE MEAL out of you! She's already decided that she's better than you and doesn't want to give you a chance.

THAT'S OK!

I mean, come on. There are 6.8 Billion people in the world and 300 Million people in the United States. HALF of them are chicks. Folks are constantly shuffling around looking for love, because NO ONE wants to be alone. The odds are in our favor.

And besides that...

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!* (There's even a website about it.)

Here is the sure-fire, 100% way to get over a girl: If you tell a chick you like her, and she doesn't return the sentiment, you now know that she OBVIOUSLY has bad taste, and getting to know her would probably bore you to tears eventually. Believe me, the ONLY reason a girl is not in your arms right now is because none of the girls you currently know are awesome enough for you. As great as Non-Committal Make-Outs are, compatibility always makes it like, a buh-trillion times more greater.

So make "I AM AWESOME" your mantra. Never let yourself forget it. Our friend The Wanderer put it very eloquently once: "The goal is really just to not fail at least once." (He's married.)

*In order to be completely sure you are awesome, first ask yourself these questions:

- Do I strive for quality in everything I do?

- Do I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at?

- Do I focus on refining and using my strengths and skills, but still try to improve in my weaker areas?

- Am I kind to people when it doesn't matter?

If so, then congratulations!

Rule 6: Don't Be "The Third Wheel!"

I had a different Rule in mind for today, but "Free Falling" was playing on the radio on my way to work, and it put me in the mood for this one:

DON'T BE "THE THIRD WHEEL!!!"

Believe it or not, there once was a time when I was not awesome. It was a long long long time ago, but it did happen. However, I eventually learned from my mistakes and rose like a phoenix from the ashes so that I may offer others the wisdom from my (very few) mistakes.

Why? Because I care.

During this Dark Age of my existence, I spent the majority of my time with one of my very best friends and his girlfriend. We ate together, cruised together, went to the movies together... we were practically inseparable. Only after he broke up with her did it occur to me how awkward our relationship was...

I was the tagalong. They always invited me, but that's irrelevant. What was really happening was that they were dating, and I was spectating.

The term "Third Wheel" originated from the term "Fifth Wheel," an object which, on any form of transportation, would be considered USELESS until a blowout occurred and a SPARE was required. (You can take that extended metaphor however you want.) Similarly, there are only two vehicle types that effectively utilize three wheels: the tricycle/big wheel design (which are for dumb kids who have no balance) and some foreign/experimental cars (which are for no one).

Don't do this to yourself. You're wasting your time. If you want to hang out with the guy, schedule some Guy Time. You're never gonna have 1-on-1 time with the girl, and you shouldn't want any, either (unless that's one of the main reason you keep hanging out with them, in which case, just cut yourself loose from them until you get your priorities straightened out).

Once, I scheduled a lunch-date with a lady-friend just to catch up and hang out. A couple hours before we were to meet, she asked if her boyfriend could come along. Sure, he and I were friends, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER! She had turned a casual friend-date into a date-with-a-tagalong. I informed her of this and refused to meet her. And I never saw her again.

She acted hurt, but she knew what she had done. She snuck him into the event, because she wanted to be with him more than me. Never allow yourself to fall into this trap, because the couple will always prefer each other's company over you.

And honestly, can you blame them? They get to make out with each other.

Rule 5: Get Muscles

I woke up this morning to "Centerfold" on the radio. My week has started off right, and now, so will yours.

GET MUSCLES.

This is by far the easiest thing you could do to start making yourself more appealing to the lady-types. In many scenarios, women will seem completely uninterested in men in general. This usually comes from them being burned one too many times (by fault of their own poor choices of men to date). They'll constantly say things like, "I'm through with men! They're all such pigs! All they care about is my body!"

But what happens when a musclebound male walks up to them and strikes up a conversation? They go silly! At that moment, all they care about IS HIS BODY. I've seen this happen to the prudest of prudes. Biceps are to women what boobs are to men. Girls act like and say they don't care about physical appearance, but this is just a lie they tell to try to protect your fragile ego, you girly-man.

So seriously, hit the gym. If you're in high school or college, you probably could access their for free. Search the interwebs for good workout routines, and find the one that's right for you. Once you start, you'll look better and feel healthier, and that will give you CONFIDENCE. (Oh snap, it's Law 3.)

Also, always take a bro for moral support. If you go to the gym by yourself, you might become addicted. You'll start slipping into an obsession of constantly working out just to make yourself feel better. And that's masturbation. "Self-improvement" is an oxymoron; we can only grow as individuals through interacting with people who care about us.

Ugh... I need to end this more sarcastically than that...

Pow.

3rd Natural Law: CONFIDENCE.

Before we continue, I feel that I must clarify how important these Rules and Natural Laws are. You need to get it through your head right now that if you don't respect or follow them, you will die alone. Period. The order in which we present them is irrelevant; You need to consider them ALL to be #1.

So when I tell you that this next Law is THE MOST ball-crushingly important Law I could present to you, that merely means that you need to know it. Except you need to know ALL of them. Because they're ALL the most important. (Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's impossible to argue against a closed loop when you're outside of it. Try it! It's tons of fun!)


CONFIDENCE.

That is the rule. It's not even a complete sentence or a complete thought. It's one flippin' word. But it's THE word. (The first verse of the Book of John originally read "In the beginning was the WORD, and the word was CONFIDENCE," but John's mom said that was blasphemous and made him change it.) If there was just one word in the English language you needed to know and demonstrate and live by... It. Is. This. Word.

You see, since females are in a perpetual state of thinking (See Law 1), that means that whenever you're in their vicinity, they are continually analyzing every fiber of your being, like that anal-retentive cleaning bot in "Wall-E." They are noticing your eye and hair color, your smile, your clothes, your fingernails, your mannerisms, your skills, the way you talk, the way you hold yourself, how you smell, what you look at, etc., ALL AT ONCE. (FYI: They always know what you're looking at. Even if they don't see you do it, they know.) The women then take all their collected data and feed it into a formula that rates how appealing the man is to them, either on a friendly or romantic level. (When I asked my source to try to explain this formula, she likened it to "Autistic Calculus.")

BUT!... Guess what the most pivotal factor within that formula is? If you said "acting like a douche," you'd technically be right, because what you consider to be douchebaggery is actually what women call CONFIDENCE.

Once this element is tucked away neatly in your utility belt behind your batarangs, you'll be unstoppable. You won't need good looks, work skills, people skills, a sense of humor, or even a personality. Simply find a girl (preferably with low self-esteem or daddy issues), be friendly, take her out WITHOUT showing any romantic interest in her, tell her she's pretty, make out with her, call her your girlfriend, make it Facebook Official, and TREAT HER LIKE CRAP FOREVER AFTER. (We call this "The Reuben Sandwich Model," because of the sauerkraut. It's an inside joke.)

How does this work? Because all the while, you were CONFIDENT that she liked you and would stay with you no matter how little you contributed to the relationship. And why does she like you? BECAUSE YOU'RE CONFIDENT!!! (See how awesome circular reasoning is?)

However, there is a fine line between the two, in the same way that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. For instance, you can make all the guys around you look like pansies by besting them with your athletic prowess or rapier wit, then laughing in their faces at how inferior they are, but you can't punch them. Girls consider that to be brutish and unattractive for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it either.

The biggest obstacle of this Law is that confidence cannot be faked. You just have to have it. You may act confident by telling a girl that you've had a crush on her for months and would love the chance to try to make her happy by being the best boyfriend ever, but all that is is sweet. You think that would make her love you because girls LOVE sweet, but sweet doesn't help perpetuate the species, doily-cake. Sweet animals get killed by CONFIDENT animals. CONFIDENCE is instinctually appealing because it makes the species SURVIVE, and natural instinct ALWAYS trumps good judgment and personal happiness.

For you, the only way out of your Cycle of Loneliness is to trick women into thinking you're confident.

AND THE NEXT COUPLE OF RULES WILL TELL YOU HOW!!!

(GUEST) RULE 4: LET HER WIN

Think fast, douchefags! This is The Wanderer, coming at you with a special guest rule! Now, as a man with multiple months of marital experience, I’m about to give you some advice about women that will seem both highly counter-intuitive and (initially) totally un-manly. But, I promise it’ll all make sense when I’m done. So, hang on to your butts and get ready to dive in:

LET HER WIN.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Josh, I’m the manliest man who ever punched a bear in the face while jumping a motorcycle across the Grand Canyon blindfolded. I’ve got so much testosterone in me that there’s a bidding war to bottle my sweat as an ultra-energy drink. And, because of all that manly testosterone, I could never let someone else win at something. I once broke my three year-old nephew’s leg because it looked like he might beat me in a game of hopscotch. How could I ever be enough of a sissy to LET HER WIN?!”

Just calm down there, Hulk Schwarzenegger-Norris, because I’m gonna let you know exactly why you should let her win.

Women like to argue. A lot. Not to say that dudes can’t argue. A heated debate on a topic of importance (cars, superheroes, Star Trek vs. Star Wars, boobs vs. butts, etc.) is one of the manliest activities there is. But, it’s important to remember that arguing with a woman is nothing like debating with a man. When you argue with a woman, things like common sense, logic, and reality don’t matter in the least. The only thing that matters to a woman in an argument is that she’s right. Always.

And that is where we come to the heart of the issue: relationships are war. And, as some dead Chinese guy said, “All warfare is based on deception.” Every argument you have is a battle, and it is a battle you can win. But the way to win an argument with a woman is by not arguing.

Confused yet? Good. You should be.

We win arguments with women in the same way that you survive a bear attack: curl up into a ball, play dead, and wait for the bear to get tired of mauling you and leave. In the same way, you win arguments with women by agreeing with whatever insanity comes out of her mouth. Because then she’ll like you. And let you touch her.

And that, gentlemen, is a true victory.

Guest Rule brought to you by Josh of Wandering Above the Sea of Fog and Rules to Live Your Life By.