From the desk of Keeganomics™-Statistical Analysis: Risk/Reward (Rule 3)

Friends, we here at RTDGB have had a decidedly “manly” tone in our previous posts. And in the interest of making sure that you (the reader) don’t get the wrong idea about our (generally satirical) viewpoints, I think it would be beneficial to take a somewhat more conversational approach in this post. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo here goes….

Look at this picture.

Source: xkcd.com (I’m pretty sure the author of the site is a certified genius, and probably one of the manliest men I’ve never met.)

Put on your face mask, because here comes some hard-hitting statistical analysis.
Imagine the girl you are currently fixated upon, whether it be the girl across the lunch room you’ve been dying to talk to, the girl sitting a few chairs down in your Gen Ed science class, or the girl in your friend group that you’ve never quite gotten up the gumption to tell how you feel. Now look back at the picture. We here at RTDGB don’t necessarily promote casual physical relationships (We don’t?), but for the sake of argument, change “kissed her” to “told her how I feel.” (Or don’t. You fox.)

Now think about that girl again. She’s beautiful isn’t she? The way the light plays across her face as the sun sets. That funny look she gets when she’s concentrating. Her intoxicating aroma that makes your heart skip a beat…or two…or three…

Did you just have a heart attack?

No, I’m good... Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh yeah! Now why haven’t you said anything to her yet? Can you think of a reason that doesn’t begin with “Uuuuuh….uuuuuuummmmmmm….weeeeeeelll…..”? I didn’t think so.

Do you want me to tell you why she hasn’t said yes to you yet? Go look in the mirror.

Seriously, go do it. I’ll wait.
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You thought I was kidding didn't you? Seriously...go do it.
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Alright, did you see that handsome guy in there? The reason she's not with you is because that guy didn't ask her.

Have I ever told you how I feel about coffee? I hate it. Why? It’s the bitter taste. Every time I take a sip, I remember a different regret in my life. That team I didn’t try out for, the girl I didn’t ask to the prom, (that time you didn’t give me five bucks,) you get the idea. Coffee is the taste of broken dreams, of unrequited love…

the taste of ‘almost’.

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s still that tinge of sadness that lurks towards the end of the taste, waiting to remind you of all your shortcomings, of all the times you didn’t measure up. That’s why I drink Mountain Dew instead. It’s caffeinated AND delicious!

I had a dream a couple weeks ago. In the dream I saw a girl…THE girl. She was walking alone at night, under the street lamps. I don’t know where she was going.
I wanted to call out to her. It was dark, she shouldn’t be walking alone!
I said nothing…and then...she was gone.
I woke up.

I tasted coffee that morning.

So all of this rambling leads to the point: See the numbers in that picture? That’s almost an 8 ½ to 1 ratio of “should” to “shouldn’t.” That’s why Rule 2 is MAN UP AND GO FOR IT. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t say something to her. There’s no reason why you should continue to let her walk alone. Even if she shoots you down in a horrible fiery explosion, the reward always outweighs the risk.


pictured: Not what will happen to you.

So what are you waiting for? Do it! You’ll never have to wonder about what might have happened. You’ll never have to know that you COULD have, but didn’t. You’ll know that it didn’t work because it didn’t work. You’ll know that now you can move on, and taste the sweet Mountain Dew of Contentment, and not the bitter Coffee of Regret.

It mocks your failure